Dance Video (wait what???)

Today I have done something very different and very, very scary for you.

First

Let me apologize for my webcam. My webcam is in the top ten list of worst webcams. The sound quality is terrible and the video freezes in several spots.

Secondly

I am 35 and of an average build. I have big hair. I am not going to apologize for my big messy hair. I also have big legs and I am fine with that. Also  I probably have my eyes closed, which others find confusing. How do you know where you are? How do you not bump into things? The answer is I don’t know.

Thirdly

Yes I do look tired. I have already had a very intense workout today and because of my extreme camera phobia I have had to repeat this many many many times. I also tried other songs before settling on this one.

Most importantly

I do not know how to dance. I am not showing off my awesome moves. I have no moves. I have no musicality. I am not trying emulate any particular, style or dance. I am just doing what I felt like doing. I have poor coordination. That is actually the point. As a child I loved to dance more than anything in the world. Then I was molested. I developed Body Dysmorphia, PTSD, and Dissociative Disorder. I came to hate my body. I stopped dancing. Dissociative Disorder disconnects the mind and body. I am not even aware of having a body most of time. I have no idea what my body is doing or what it is feeling or even what is happening to it sometimes. In college I took dance, it was the first time since childhood that I had the courage to dance. I loved it. I was the worst in class. I could not keep up with the other dancers. I could not make my body do what I wanted it to do. I had three teachers, two of them hated me because I was just so bad, so unteachable, so uncoordinated. One of them patiently stuck with me even though the only dance I ever managed to learn in 2 years involved pretending to be a statue lol Anyway for me dance is about healing, about facing my fears, about trying to reconnect with my alien body. I am not good at it but that is okay.

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