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I rinse the screams from your ashes,
the aftermath from my fingertips.
My chest tightens, submits its will.
–
We made a mess of each other,
of dreams and ultimatums-
of our hearts’ heedless hinterlands.
–
I am but a shadow against
your diaphanous imposition,
a bible of bones wed and dated.
–
I never wanted to be free,
feed me, season me, throw me into a pot
with herbs and tubers and just stew.
Does it eat you up inside?
Does it stagger your imaginings?
–
I unhinge my appendages
and shrink into blackness.
A howling shibboleth,
a kyrkogrim quarantined.
I am void. I am sacred.
–
The gloam rescinds
into hollows of sunlight.
I pose solicitously by a wall,
each petal a key
to a dimension unfathomed.
–
The density of ink,
of a spirit bled and reapplied.
I succumb to endeavor,
to feints and static,
to windowsills smudged
with countless identities.
–
There is wisdom in instinct,
in the consummate craving.
I shelter within a tweed jacket,
pockets nicked by shadow.
So long as I remain, I will divide.
First the good news
I ordered an Equalizer/Challenger. I am very excited. I really think it is going to push my workouts to the next level. It is supposed to arrive today but I have horrible luck with the mail so I am really anxious =(. I am also working a lot with my flexibility at the moment. My ankles have always been very stiff and I am not sure if that has to do with muscular tension in my calves but I am working on them from all angles. I am also working on strengthening my abductors. I have definitely increased my strength but they are still very weak in comparison to my adductors. My adductors could well be my strongest muscle and my abductors one of my weakest so I am seriously unbalanced. I am also trying to increase the mobility in my hips which is a bit…
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I wrap straw into effigy,
a guise of betrayal,
a fire writhing to ash.
I pull log after log
from a basket
feeding into deplorable rage.
I like to think I tried,
that I championed
for a righteous cause
but in the end
there can be no us.
Winter remains a vestige
to a faltering spring
and within that aberrant whiteness
I find little warmth.
However, I adjust myself
the dye still bleeds from my veins.
So I smite thee, my mortified self.
An experiment
Here is my workout video for the day. I am still struggling with lunges. I almost wish I had a harness pulling me back so I wouldn’t keep drifting forward with that front knee. My arms were tired today and this didn’t exactly help with all those pushups. I am so slow with pushups but I have pinched nerves in both shoulders so I have to be very careful with my alignment. I am sure you have noticed I mostly do yoga-style pushups and that is because they don’t pinch. I had a few other issues. I am weirdly skittish about Get Ups. Squat Jumps are quite hard for me as well. I am not good with soft landings haha Exercise doesn’t always look pretty!
Your words are microliths
scrapping me into caricature.
My smile only ignites
in the obscenity of darkness.
Your esurient eyes glitter-
ever the cannibal-
your breath exalts my detritus.
When viewed from above
we all appear more feral.
We haven’t managed
a forward step in years
and yet everything about you
appears so aberrant and new.
The sillage of a futile lust
wraps around my heart
like a poultice.
I can almost forgive you
but beneath the gauze
my wisteria wounds still weep.
Let’s go brambling,
fruit like a bruise
and sweeter than a kiss.
I could use the abstraction.
–
I am seriously off my game. Dealing with a lot of dark and powerful emotions at the moment.
I enter the blessed count,
there is nothing left
but to commemorate.
You mustn’t welcome
my apologies they are poison.
–
I carry a wooden cross
in the place of a heart.
My smile is a brush
sweeping and scouring
your fine woolly sneer.
–
I am only a girl
spinning plates.
I am missing parts
but of my misfortune
I have made an art.
–
If I were free
I would not betray myself so often.
I would turn my hands
up to the sky and take hold
of all that is boundless and unseen.
I lean into your vacancies
into the authenticities
that tilt toward shadow.
This is what it means to love
to seek the seeker.
–
If I listen closely
I can hear your heart
the way it gossips and doubts.
Your pain meets
the resistance of my pain.
–
We break too often
and I wild with guilt
hide away talking
only to my hands.
Today I have done something very different and very, very scary for you.
First
Let me apologize for my webcam. My webcam is in the top ten list of worst webcams. The sound quality is terrible and the video freezes in several spots.
Secondly
I am 35 and of an average build. I have big hair. I am not going to apologize for my big messy hair. I also have big legs and I am fine with that. Also I probably have my eyes closed, which others find confusing. How do you know where you are? How do you not bump into things? The answer is I don’t know.
Thirdly
Yes I do look tired. I have already had a very intense workout today and because of my extreme camera phobia I have had to repeat this many many many times. I also tried other songs before settling on this one.
Most importantly
I do not know how to dance. I am not showing off my awesome moves. I have no moves. I have no musicality. I am not trying emulate any particular, style or dance. I am just doing what I felt like doing. I have poor coordination. That is actually the point. As a child I loved to dance more than anything in the world. Then I was molested. I developed Body Dysmorphia, PTSD, and Dissociative Disorder. I came to hate my body. I stopped dancing. Dissociative Disorder disconnects the mind and body. I am not even aware of having a body most of time. I have no idea what my body is doing or what it is feeling or even what is happening to it sometimes. In college I took dance, it was the first time since childhood that I had the courage to dance. I loved it. I was the worst in class. I could not keep up with the other dancers. I could not make my body do what I wanted it to do. I had three teachers, two of them hated me because I was just so bad, so unteachable, so uncoordinated. One of them patiently stuck with me even though the only dance I ever managed to learn in 2 years involved pretending to be a statue lol Anyway for me dance is about healing, about facing my fears, about trying to reconnect with my alien body. I am not good at it but that is okay.
A cinematic drift,
an appellation voiced without consent,
a feint of predilection.
From umbilicus to navel
we exchange ourselves.
–
Sehnsucht is the only future left.
I’d rather be a verb than a noun,
a codex of formidable integers
that glisten at mirage-like intervals.
–
I cannot express this pain,
the air settles in my lungs
like minerals, each word
a sob more threadbare
than its predecessor.
–
I barricade myself,
an unlit corridor
chased with doors
that neither open nor close.
mindlovemisery 