A Long-Winded Ramble

Where do I even begin? I am alive if you discount my new subterranean digs. I read in a book, so it must be true, that summer is a time for rest and gathering experiences for the artist, and for art a time of hibernation. I can only say that despite all the stopping I do during a day it has not involved writing poetry.

Right now it feels as if the universe is trying to evict me, which is of course a terribly dramatic thing to say but I am a terribly dramatic person and you know what I mean. Sometimes it seems like everyone you meet is trying to deconstruct you and rebuild someone else to occupy your space. Everyone is so cocksure that they have the best way to manage life despite the fact that they are just as lost and dysfunctional as everyone else on the planet. Nobody gets it. We aren’t suppose to get it, at least not now in the thick of it.

If you said to me duct tape (which I continuously and annoyingly refer to as duck tape) is the shit I couldn’t argue, duct tape is pretty fucking nifty. But if you said to me that I needed to dedicate an entire room of my house to the storage of duct tape I might wonder a bit about your priorities. I can concede to keeping duct tape on hand but it would be hard to convince me to sacrifice that much space and energy, still that is what we humans do continuously. Once we have decided on our cause we aren’t really satisfied with tolerance or concessions, anything less than adherence seems to us a very affront to our way of life or at the very least it confuses/worries the hell out of us. How can you not love duct tape? Don’t you understand the value of duct tape? Here let me list the merits of duct tape for you one more time. The thing is humans have a way of making doctrines out of the trivial and prisons out of anything handy. I myself have issues that have outgrown themselves, belief systems that are clearly and consciously self-destructive. Belief systems that I peddle to other people because that is the only way to reassure their existence. We often talk about religion when we speak about fanaticism but people can be fanatical about money, food, appearance, work, identity and yes even duct tape. Sometimes we are even fanatical about things we no longer believe in (or have never believed in). A man pursing revenge might at some point realize the futility of his endeavor to ease his suffering or resurrect his lost love but continues, nevertheless, to pursue divergence rather than commit the last 20 years of his life to obscurity. One might brainwash and fortify themselves with a whole host of absurd and even dangerous beliefs rather than admit powerlessness or ignorance. Save me from uncertainty!

I have so much to say and no way to tie it together into a neat little package.

I am shy and I get tired of seeing shy listed as a negative personality trait. 90% of my personality traits seem to fall into the undesirable range.

As a shy person I often feel unwanted/invisible (or visible in a sore thumb kind of way). I feel like others have an easier time making friends or that they are just more likable. I feel like I am destined to be alone. I feel like a creep.

Like many other shy people I limit my social contacts and activities. I select people to talk to based on some arbitrary and inexplicable criteria that leads me to the conclusion that they are slightly less threatening than other people. I might chat with only one person and if that person proves uninterested or incompatible cry about it for days. I might even use it as evidence to validate an already overwhelmingly negative self-image. A social person would talk to many different people thus increasing their odds of making friends. A social person would be both rejected and accepted countless times whereas I would limit my experience of both as much as possible.

As a shy person I say things like “I like being alone” I don’t like people” “I am not that social” and all sorts of other negative garbage that indicates from the start that you shouldn’t bother inviting me anywhere because the answer is “NO!”

As a shy person I reject more invitations than I accept. I reject invitations defensively and automatically, often without even realizing I have done it. Social people accept invitations and make backup plans if they are unable to attend a specific event.

As a shy person I rarely extend an invitation and when I do it is so vague and noncommittal as to be utterly indecipherable. A social person extends invitations and arranges the outing giving specific locations and times.

Now if you point out all these things to me I will agree with you 9/10 but I will still attempt to convince you that the biggest reason I don’t have friends is because I am a freak. I will enthrall you with examples that support my negative self-image and the futility of “making an effort”. I might even conclude that your advice would not work for me because I have already tried it or because I am “beyond help”. This post btw has nothing to do with being shy or making friends. It is really about the beliefs that we cling too and the beliefs we impose on others.

Every time I say I don’t drink coffee I get a reaction. In Sweden coffee isn’t just a beverage it is a way of life and it is tied up with fika culture (fika- taking a break to enjoy coffee and pastries often within a social context). To me it isn’t a big deal I can drink tea or juice and have whatever snack I am craving but to other people it is just plain wrong (I hate donuts and pastries too omg what is wrong with me?!). In early 2000 people were continuously lecturing one another about their Internet habits. Don’t spend too much time online. Don’t check your email too much. Don’t get hooked on those online games. Don’t invite the people you meet online to meet in real life because they could be ax murderers. People were constantly monitoring each other’s online habits and hosting all sorts of well-meaning interventions. Now people sit down to fika with friends and spend the whole time texting, playing games, or surfing the web. Now people take the Internet with them everywhere and prioritize emails, texts, and calls over human contact. If you told someone you didn’t own a cellphone they’d look at you funny and give you a lecture. When I tell people I don’t use my phone to go online they literally take my phone in hand and see if they can connect me to the Internet even though I have no desire to be wired in 24/7. Every second of everyday someone is telling us what to do, how to look, how to relate, how to be, what to think, what to prioritize. We scream at each other day and night “Make my life easier become my blanket, my god, my drug, my slave.” It doesn’t seem to matter that in few years our priorities will change.

I honestly could ramble indefinitely about all the shit rattling around in my brain. I would repeat myself a lot and I would never get to the point. In fact everything I said is probably a lie. I am only thinking.

I have been creating characters actually making them in the Sims and then writing out profiles.

I have been wrestling with self-pity, neediness, and utility.

Why is it that if you can admit your faults that people think you care less?

I have been wondering what to do about MLMM when everyone seems to be leaving. I can’t manage all the prompts alone. I plan to continue offering my prompts but if I can’t find subs for the others they might have to go on hiatus until either the host returns or a sub steps up.

Sam and I received some money from his parents (not just us his sisters too) and now suddenly we don’t have to take on a massive loan for the furnace we can just buy it and that is crazy amazing. The furnace will require the whole sum but it saves us from years of debt and extreme budgeting. Now we can just be normal poor, not scary poor!


34 responses to “A Long-Winded Ramble

  1. I love your voice in this and your writing style. Especially the “I’m a terribly dramatic person” because I totally feel like that sometimes! I’m introverted and shy and don’t like to go out in big groups, but when I write I like to be really dramatic because hey, that’s what makes writing fun and reading interesting! Also, I think it’s okay to say Duck Tape because that’s actually a brand name of duct tape so it’s just like asking someone if they have Scotch tape when you really just mean the invisible/clear tape bc Scotch is just the brand. Don’t know if you actually cared about that… :p

    • I always say Bandaids instead of Adhesive Strips or whatever the proper name is but I didn’t actually realize or remember that Duck Tape was a brand. I think so too and in my poetry I really like to let those emotions fly haha Thank you so much for your kind words. I personally like shy and introverted people, people treat introversion like it needs to be cured which I find completely mystifying. The world would be a pretty boring place if everyone had the same personality and believed the same things. I also prefer smaller groups (I mean one on one lol) and I prefer when you are somewhere that allows you to have a conversation, somewhere you aren’t trampled or rushed

      • You make a great point. The world would be super boring if everyone had the same tendencies. I think introverts and extroverts balance each other and that’s what makes each special. But I do tend to feel more comfortable with other introverts because I know they understand where I’m coming from when I have certain anxieties.

  2. makes me happy to hear
    what you have to say
    about settling in,
    perceptions of duct tape,
    affording to keep warm
    and living simply, with coffee!
    perhaps there’s a group
    that goes out exploring
    or hiking to experience
    nature together;
    not saying too much
    or too little to each other 🙂

  3. I’m glad to see you alive. Your rambling has a lot of meaning. The crime of being shy isn’t really a bad thing. Too many people are good they Jane to be communal in everything. The duck tape brand is made here in Ohio, I share your use of the word. The hording thought could extend into holding yourself back. I have a sister and wife with depression issues. I talk to my wife about trying. She refuses to try because it didn’t work out last time. She is overly shy around others. I feel your ramble. 🙂

  4. You say so much stuff in your “ramblings” I would not call it that way at all. So many stuff I can relate to, and believe me, I have a comment about every single sentence, but I don’t wanna bore you to death (seeing especially life is pretty much trying to do it already!)
    I don’t get the whole shy thing. Why is that so wrong? Especially since for example it completely negates people’s favourite warnings with the internet you mentioned. One side, they push you to be open and accepting of EVERYTHING, on the other side they tell you to deny, again, EVERYTHING. Who wouldn’t be mindfucked?
    I am happy about your furnace! And I can so relate with what you say about being normal poor vs scary poor. We oscillate around that here in this household.
    I used to hold a prompt as you remember on MLMM, and I have much more time now to dedicate to it, so I would be more than happy to help you again, with whichever prompt or anything, just say the word!
    The site inspires me so much and I love it, and I would love to be able to give something back to it again!

    • Thanks so much and you never bore me! I just find it strange how instead of living our own lives we try to live vicariously through others. You change, you do this, you do that instead of facing and dealing with their own shit. I am too, I mean I hardly believe it! I remember of course and we could definitely use the the help. The woman who runs Friday’s prompt which is the music prompt is leaving and as far as I know we have no replacement options. If you are interested in taking that spot it would be great. It is up to you if you want to continue with music or if you want to do something different. So that is if you want to reclaim your own prompt. If you want to share the load with someone Michael might need help since Phylor is away he does the story/fairytale prompt which is the one you previously hosted.. Pat who is helping me out on Sunday’s prompt will be leaving too but I believe she has scheduled posts until sometime in July. Sunday’s prompt is the written prompt. Every other Sunday I put up a collage, so it would be an every other week gig. There is also the Shadorma/forms prompt. Bastet is away and Paloma has some things going on as well. The thing is I am totally fucking lost on poetry forms so I find that one hard to sub for. Anywhere you want to jump in let me know! If there is someone you need help contacting let me know.

      • I can take whatever you decide/need most help with. I am a bit hesitant to jump in on the music prompt, because my music taste is very savage and spoiled. I listen to Metal, Classical Music, and a few songs I classify as “Other.”. I have absolutely zero tolerance and see zero beauty in the new age thingies, or pop, and popular stuff. I detest most popular, old bands (I listen to metal, but I can’t stand Metallica 😛 ), so I don’t really think I would be a good choice for that.
        I am also sorry for replying so late, Seth had a sunstroke, I think it’s how it is called. The shade of trees tricked us, and he has been spoiled sick for 2 days (mostly spoiled, he was fine after a good nap and homemade soup 😀 )

      • We have takers on the music prompt now so hopefully that works itself out. I could use help every other Sunday with the writing prompt if you are game. You could continue with the tarot theme where Pat leaves off or you could jump in with your own ideas. My music tastes differ from others as well and so I am pretty sure when I host the music prompt I leave people scratching their heads sometimes haha Awww poor guy, I hope all is well

      • Every other Sunday it is then! I will us these remaining week days to familiarise myself with the prompt and will send you some ideas to check when you have time!
        I know what you mean about head scratching! I remember we also had some similar favourite bands and musicians (like P J Harv!). It’s not that I am mostly about metal, I do listen to other stuff too, but I found that problems occur when I tell people I have honestly never in my life head a Taylor Swift song, not even by accident, and husband showed me once Lana Del Ray, despite my protesting, and I was having brain vomit for days from how horrible her song was XD

      • We do have some shared favorites XD I don’t actually know who Lana Del Ray is either but it doesn’t sound like I am missing out! Isadora has very different tastes from me and Sam (she likes some of our stuff though) and so through her I am exposed, also when riding in the car if we have the regular radio on, the radio stations in Sweden are really terrible at least the 2 channels we get. Swedes do like metal but I haven’t found a radio station that plays it.

  5. Ramblings are the mind’s way of allowing the seeming randomness of life’s thoughts unwind themselves 😉

    I’m really glad that you and your family are now, at least, going to be able to be warm and have hot water! And that it won’t be the huge financial burden it might have been – so that’s really great news.

    As for the general ramblings?

    I think of the Seven Deadly Sins.

    There should be an “Eighth” – but it would top the list.

    It would be HYPOCRISY – because there are far too many who are running around – quick to judge, demand and expect that everyone conform – and not question anything – so self-assured that they have the answers to everything – but pointedly refuse to even consider looking in a mirror, other than to preen.

    One size does not fit all. The nature of human experience means that essentially, we share far more commonalities, but it is the “material” wealth of experiences, the “superficial” that take precedence; and for as much as it is or can be an important ribbon that allows people to engage and relate – far too few can actually see “the truth behind the layers”.

    Generally, when things seem to be too tough – and it all gets to be too much – I just want to gather myself and SCREAM – an endless howling mad fucking insane over the edge blood curdling bawling yowl.

    But hey, that’s just me. And what do I know?

    Be well Yves. And I hope that things work out at MLMM – perhaps it just needs a bit of a mini-break or re-focus etc., after all, you are no longer the same person you were when you began, and certainly now, you are not the same person – so perhaps it’s just a shifting – transitional phase. At any rate, it’s a great place, and I’m sure no matter what the future holds for it – it’ll be all good.

    • Hot water Pat! I am so excited about taking a bath and shaving my legs comfortably instead of being forced to contort myself in the shower with a bucket, shivering.

      Yes! I am certainly guilty of hypocrisy as much as I dislike it. Brilliant commentary and yes I too want to scream at the top of my lungs sometimes. One size doesn’t fit all and yet I run against that one size fits all attitude continuously. Humans want things to make sense, to be certain, to be secure but that is just not the nature of things.

      I have found help on the music prompt now and have another offer for help. So we will see if we can’t get it worked out. I plan to keep my Wordles going whatever happens lol

      • Yay!to hot water! And that will certainly make all aspect of bathing and relaxing etc. definitely more agreeable 🙂

        We are all guilty of hypocrisy at various times in our lives, but honestly, what drives me nuts is that it often seems like you find yourself in a situation where everyone around you is doing all the pointing, the extolling of whatever – and you’re the target. And yet, ironic, how it just seems that you – well, perhaps one – or me – ends up thinking “WTF? I see all aspects and angles and am relatively calm but you keep pushing the issues and you think what, I’m going to fall over like a kitten and play all cutsie dumb?!” Agh .. … anyhow. It just kind makes me think – I prefer the company of rocks.

        Glad to hear that things are falling into place for the prompts. I’m sure everything will just sort itself out – and fall into place soon enough. 🙂

        Love the wordles – your wordles totally rock!

  6. There are so many things in this that I can say, “me too”, and could ramble about, but I won’t take up space. I’m one of your fans who starts blogs, quits due to irrational mood swings or because perhaps I’ve misinterpreted something another blogger said or didn’t say–and then returns in a new blog/persona to follow you again, and do your prompts. Over and over. So as a fan, I say, “do what’s best for you”–how’s that? I wish you well–and include you in my nightly “blogger prayers” 🙂

    • I honestly can’t believe how long I have maintained this blog because honestly I have the same inclinations as you. I am glad I have though despite misunderstandings and rough patches

      • You (and a few others) are a great example for me–so I’m trying to learn to stay in the game, come what may–as I really love writing, and reading others work, and much of the good interactions. I can’t seem to “not write”–and this is a good place to do it 🙂 Hope you are well 🙂

  7. I am shy too. Though I have had my turn in the public eye. Being a volunteer of too much. I think being shy can be a very positive thing – I actually think being shy is empowering. I love saying ‘No’ these days when invited to do things I don’t want to do. I’ve gotten a few of those horrid email invites, I don’t even answer them. I just delete them.

    I’m happy that you can be warm now, and normal poor. I think that can equate with the middle-middle class in the US. Which ends up gifting benefits to everyone above as well as below where we exist. I pinch my pennies every day. And it gets tiring. I don’t need a Mega Yacht or and expensive vacation. I just want to live comfortably. But when you take your car for inspection and it needs a new exhaust system…all that overtime that hubby put in just gets sucked away. So I think I have a pretty good handle on where you are at the moment.

    As for MLMM – Do what you feel is best. You don’t have to have a prompt every day of the week. If you don’t have a host put that particular prompt to bed for awhile. MLMM is your baby and you can change it up anyway you want. I’m just not skilled enough computer wise to take on a hosting spot. My plate is full. I am still a week behind on visiting some wonderful comments to my posts.

    Always take care of yourself first. If all you had were your wonderful Wordles once a week I’d still be a very happy camper.

    Hugs, to you. And thank you for sharing that you are very much like me.

    • I do think that being shy makes even ordinary trips to the grocery store some how more adventurous lol My mom says that she is very shy but she doesn’t seem shy to me, she works in sales, enjoys and hosts parties, is always helping out with her church, even preaches sometimes but I guess she just faces it regularly. I think we are technically lower middle class. My husband has a good salary but Sweden is designed around 2 full time incomes. We don’t have to worry about medical expenses really but like you said if the car needs a new part it can really set you back. Also certain things are expensive in Sweden. Right now it is a wait and see situation, I want to see if I can get in contact with everyone. I believe that several of the prompts are sorted now, it is just one more I have to check on.

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