Your voice rides me
like black water
into exiled shores.
For the duration I am snared
as a genie to wishes
both controversial and obscene.
–
There’s always a drawback,
a sacrifice, a parasite ready
to eat the plush from my architecture.
All who love, bleed.
In time even our bones crease.
–
Sidereal and insubstantial
I watch the flask rise from your pocket
and the stitches from your flanks
like a witch’s unsightly fingers.
–
Were it that I were furious
I might still effect some miracle
but all I foster is dread.
Tears churn and wear
My god, there’s nothing left.
–
I am prone to rubatosis,
prone to suicide
the amethyst falls from my finger
like a child’s lonely heart.
What has become of us?
–
I don’t really know how to explain what I’ve been doing and why I haven’t been online much. It’s not that I am busy exactly, but preoccupied with philosophical questions. Like why is it so much easier to accept a negative/deleterious belief than a positive one no matter how ample the proof? Why do we accept certain things as truth? What am I really meant to do with my time? What is worth my time? What is life? Why do I look so old (it isn’t important but it is on my mind)? How do I see behind the body dysmorphia and the illusions of the media? We are living and dying simultaneously. The questions just keep on going. I am reading the Wisdom of Insecurity by Alan Watts. I am thinking about longevity and what centenarians have in common. I am thinking and thinking. I am doing things too, trying to do different things because I’d made everything so safe and so polished and I’ve gotten bored of it. I figure out how to make things efficient and when I’ve gotten it down just so, I start over again leaving out the bits that scare me naturally. When I play the Sims I make all the characters, all the houses, all the community lots and I never really play the game, I just set the stage. I create characters, fascinating, gorgeous characters and I don’t write them into any stories. Sam bought my The Petting Zoo by Jim Carroll his last book and it just came in yesterday so I have started to read that too. I am also reading Ariel by Sylvia Plath. I can’t read one book at a time. I am spending more time outside because we are having a spot of good weather. I don’t know how to do and feel at the same time. I either feel and write or I do and repress. I haven’t understood yet how to stop bouncing between the extremes. Well I could ramble all day about all the stuff bouncing around in my birdcage but it wouldn’t really clarify anything in a tidy and specific way.
mindlovemisery 
many good questions. few good answers.
Thank you Richard!
You are a flipping amazing writer (and thinker)!
I love these lines:
“Your voice rides me / like black water”
“a sacrifice, a parasite ready”
“to eat the plush from my architecture”
“even our bones crease”
“Sidereal and insubstantial / I watch the flask rise from your pocket / and the stitches from your flanks / like a witch’s unsightly fingers.”
“the amethyst falls from my finger / like a child’s lonely heart”
“why is it so much easier to accept a negative/deleterious belief than a positive one no matter how ample the proof” … I am exactly the same way. Especially when it comes to wondering if anyone really loves me, or ever has. Has anyone even really seen me or known me? I think we all feel that way, to some degree. Unknown.
Ooh, I love these questions: “What am I really meant to do with my time? What is worth my time?” … I’m so excited that you posted these questions! This is great.
” I make all the characters, all the houses, all the community lots and I never really play the game, I just set the stage.” … Oh my gosh, this is me too! With blogs, you know. I never get around to writing much. I mostly just want to make up identities and decorate blogs, come up with fun names and such. There’s something in our wiring that makes us enjoy the things we enjoy, and it doesn’t always have to be what others (or even we) might expect. I love that about you: that you invent, but don’t play. I find that very endearing and it helps me know you better. Like how you like to set up life in certain ways, but not necessarily “live it.” But what you don’t give yourself grace with, is the fact that you ARE living when you set things up. That’s just something you enjoy. Like, I move my furniture around constantly, but I don’t actually sit on it. I just want it to be in the most functional position for our lives, but I don’t want to sit down. I don’t want to do (or don’t have/make time for doing) the things people typically do when they sit on furniture. And that’s okay. That’s just part of who I am … what I do and do not enjoy.
“Sam bought my The Petting Zoo by Jim Carroll his last book and it just came in yesterday so I have started to read that too. I am also reading Ariel by Sylvia Plath. I can’t read one book at a time.” … Ooh, those sound good! I have read most of her poems, but what I enjoy most are her journals.
I too am spending more time outside … especially in the evening. But I’m craving the sun, and our yard isn’t fenced in, so my son wanders out to the street immediately. I tend to just keep him inside because it’s easier, and then take him out in the evening when there’s little traffic down our road. But oh how I want to lie on patio furniture and tan all day. 🙂
I am just like this:
“I don’t know how to do and feel at the same time.”
“I haven’t understood yet how to stop bouncing between the extremes.”
Please DO ramble away about your thoughts. I loved this post!
I think so too we put up so many fronts and barriers trying to keep people at a distance or at least to control which parts they have access to. As long as we feel that we are being fake or restrained in some way we question our relationships. I realized some time ago that my efforts have been futile, my husband knows me so well, scary well. I think the people closest to us often see more than we think they do. I used to be the worst at taking a compliment, I still get awkward face to face but now I accept that people can have opinions of me that are vastly different from the opinion I have of myself.
When I was younger I was constantly redecorating the house, the funny thing is my mom was completely okay with it she just had no connection to the stuff at all, she never changed it back. My husband is a lot more particular about his stuff, he’s not materialistic or anything it is just her prioritizes function and ease so I have become very well-organized.
I also love her journals I love bios too
I am deathly pale so I can’t lay out in the sun but it is nice getting some fresh air
Amazing writing, as always. I loved this part:”There’s always a drawback,
a sacrifice, a parasite ready
to eat the plush from my architecture.”.
About your explanation, I think it would be a far more scary situation, in my opinion at least, not to feel/bepuzzled/think/ponder about anything at all. These questions can drown us and put a weight on our shoulder, but trust me, nothing is heavier than an empty vessel that cannot hold anything.
I say, enjoy the time outside, enjoy the sports, enjoy the writing. If for nothing, simply because there must be at least 1 person who would want you to do otherwise! (this is a modified Terry Pratchett quote!)
The way you described Sims playing is exactly how I used to play it. Designing things, the house, the characters, everything, was my gist for the game. It relates to other things too, and it does not have to be all that negative. My husbands father actually did the same, and moved on to become an architect and an engineer and design the first Turkish metro! What I want to say is, we should always pull out a benefit, try to, a positive one for both ourselves and our environment; even when the passion itself reeks of darkness, delusion and cowardice!
I was so sure I had commented to this, perhaps I did in my own head. I am never sure when I have said a thing or simply though it. I am so glad you liked that part! My head is full of questions, when it is quiet that’s when things get dangerous!
I have created many wonderful memorable characters but it would nice to complete the occasional story haha
There is a strength and definite voice in power in the poem you’ve written Yves, using the wordle words so well, and in fashions as unique as your fingerprints. From the first stanza in, and my, what images you conjure, we’re pulled right in. It’s a great piece of writing Yves 🙂
As to what you’ve been doing etc. – well sometimes we just end up in the spaces and places we need to be, whether we understand it or not. I suspect the most difficult aspect is just accepting this – for what it is – in the moment, and beginning to appreciate that there is no possible way we can ever really “know” ourselves in our complexity. What motivates us? How to best use time? How do we interact and engage and have purpose and meaning? Sometimes we just need to shut off the brain – stop over-thinking and analyzing, and just get on with doing whatever it is we need to be doing, i.e. necessities met – and then the “other stuff” – which is just what it is. Overthinking can be just as deadly as being brain dead.
Thank you so much for your incredibly kind words and your words of wisdom! Over-thinking is a problem both me and hubbie struggle with and he more so than me so I often feel I am under-thinking when I hear him talking! The man goes to an atomic level when analyzing a subject
LOL@ the atomic level – although I’m not laughing at the situation, but I can appreciate the sentiments your expressing.
Oh yeah, over-thinking …. it has its place, but when people like us tend to get wrapped up in all the “understanding” and then bridge it from all angles …. it can be worse than any heavy duty drug. The high is a low and you end up crashing before you’ve even begun to do anything. Such is life …. as it is…. and we do the best we can.
Spot on observation Pat! Spot on!
I think life is one big question and the answer is what ever fits and feels good to ourselves. Breathe in deep, listen to your heartbeat and be still in the silence so you can hear what life has to say to you. Focusing on yourself is mandatory so take your time and soak in the pool of tranquility.
Thanks for the excellent advice Kim =)
I love this style!
how wonderful
using the words and crafting!
though wud b tough sometimes! No?
hey!
wonderful poetry!
cheers
Thank you so much for your lovely comment!
This is a lovely poem 🙂
Thank you so much Miranda XD
I’ve had my own rambling questions as of late. Trying to deal with a particularly annoying relative. But I’ve got a reprieve until the end of June. I’ve been so preoccupied with writing and editing for days on end a particular letter that I stopped visits and barely wrote. And of course being outside when it wasn’t raining. And sooo looking forward to traveling next month. Though, have lap top will travel. 😉
If at anytime you’d like an extra ear…But it is a truth that sometimes we have to figure certain things out ourselves. Just be there for yourself and your family first. 🙂
Where are you headed?
I have very little contact with my relatives. At the moment my mom is struggling with bipolar and I am quite worried.
Thank you so much Jules you are very kind and likewise
I’ll send you an e-mail…about my travels. Though I think the ads on WP might give others a clue. 😉