Demons

Wrap me in the burlap

of your dispossessing heart,

a shaving of carrion plucked

a season, unseasoned,

subliminal in its predilections.

There’s no way out but down

and no way up but out.

I am aware of the contradiction

of the noose salivating from its perch,

of those indiscriminate appetites

which castigate and ravage.

I am alone within these contexts,

the shadows that fold and keep

lovers and narcissists, villains every one.

I have been extremely distracted/unfocused today. Monday is a pretty big day for me and even when it’s not on my mind, it’s on my mind. I have also been thinking of how difficult it is for me to open up emotionally. While I do open up in the context of poetry, I am still extremely guarded. I posted a short video of myself on my other blog and boy am I ever uncomfortable about it even though I would love to demonstrate exercises. I am uncomfortable with the way I look, with aging, with my weight always whatever it is. Sam is the same and so we have stopped taking photos, almost completely. I want to make Isadora one of those collage style frames with pics of the family because she would love that (we literally have no family photos up at the moment). I am going to have to get used to the camera. I doubt being beautiful would make a difference to be honest because even though I think I look ugly, fat, and old I honestly think that is irrelevant it is more like I don’t want to see myself at all. In any case Isadora does not see me as fat or ugly, she doesn’t even think I look old which is strange. She tells me I am beautiful all the time (she is a very lovely child) because to her I am mommy and mommy’s are beautiful.

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15 responses to “Demons

  1. Even more important: you are beautiful because you are HER mommy. We are the whole world to our children, and our crappy views of ourselves don’t rub off on them because they are too innocent to believe lies. ❤

  2. Beauty goes far beyond the physical to something of far greater importance, our hearts and souls. Beautiful you are, in all the ways that matter, inside and out, with all the love and kindness that is you; Isadora is wise to see in truth.

  3. In this world of digital cameras you can click, click, click until you have the perfect, well close to perfect picture. I don’t like how I look now but I was once beautiful. I didn’t appreciate it and wanted to be less attractive. They say be careful what you wish for. I hate looking at myself. I fuss at the kids when they take pictures of my belly. But I am embracing myself it’s me and I love me. Occasionally a nice picture developes. Embrace yourself and be confident. We don’t all fit the same perfect mold. Our differences are the things that make us beautiful.

    • I have body dysmorphia so intellectually I understand that my view of myself is distorted and that others don’t see me as I see myself. I have received my share of compliments and I have had suitors if you will haha But I am rarely comfortable with myself, it happens but it only last a few minutes but those few minutes are wonderful! I am not photogenic and that’s not just the crazy person talking people often tell me that I look completely different in photos and that I look so much better in real life. I just tense up and get awkward in front of the camera, we didn’t have one when I was a kid and so the only person who took my photo was my aunt who was very negative about my appearance and maybe that stuck with me or something the constant ridicule prior to having my photos taken. I frustrate my friends because I have a curvy feminine figure but I disguise it in baggy clothes so they are always trying to dress me, but I don’t feel comfortable with people approaching me.

  4. As a older man I can tell you how difficult for me is to take any “self pictures”. I see myself as short, non-attractive old man. I have been making an effort to take compliments and swallow them instead of regurgitating them with a self put down. I know I am not how I see myself but the twisted image goes deep. It is about continuing to fight those beliefs and find a middle ground somewhere between I am attractive in my own way and I don’t care how others see me. Oh yes, and my daughter does not see me as old neither 🙂

    • I am getting older and seeing lines that I don’t want to be seeing much less have other people seeing. I have trained myself to just say thank you when receiving compliments in real life even if I don’t agree because everyone is entitled to their opinion and I don’t have the right to force my version of reality onto everyone else. We are all beautiful in our own way and to someone we are the most beautiful person in the world.

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