Wrap me in the burlap
of your dispossessing heart,
a shaving of carrion plucked
a season, unseasoned,
subliminal in its predilections.
There’s no way out but down
and no way up but out.
I am aware of the contradiction
of the noose salivating from its perch,
of those indiscriminate appetites
which castigate and ravage.
I am alone within these contexts,
the shadows that fold and keep
lovers and narcissists, villains every one.
I have been extremely distracted/unfocused today. Monday is a pretty big day for me and even when it’s not on my mind, it’s on my mind. I have also been thinking of how difficult it is for me to open up emotionally. While I do open up in the context of poetry, I am still extremely guarded. I posted a short video of myself on my other blog and boy am I ever uncomfortable about it even though I would love to demonstrate exercises. I am uncomfortable with the way I look, with aging, with my weight always whatever it is. Sam is the same and so we have stopped taking photos, almost completely. I want to make Isadora one of those collage style frames with pics of the family because she would love that (we literally have no family photos up at the moment). I am going to have to get used to the camera. I doubt being beautiful would make a difference to be honest because even though I think I look ugly, fat, and old I honestly think that is irrelevant it is more like I don’t want to see myself at all. In any case Isadora does not see me as fat or ugly, she doesn’t even think I look old which is strange. She tells me I am beautiful all the time (she is a very lovely child) because to her I am mommy and mommy’s are beautiful.