Wordle 235

346

Without risk there is no anchor,

no meaning, no fight to drive action.

How heavy these hours, this state

of perpetual innuendo and each time

I hit the floor it gives way, another hell,

another temporary fix. A team of one,

a bludgeoning of facts, a necrotizing snooze.

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10 responses to “Wordle 235

  1. This is flawless. I couldn’t possibly quote a favorite phrase or line; it’s perfection from beginning to end. I can deeply identify this. It’s just that overwhelming feeling I keep coming back to, that deep state of depression in realizing nothing ever completes, fills the hole, makes me feel “right” or okay. I think I’m a worthless waste of a human being who never should have been born. The only reason I can see for me to continue existing is to not further mar the children I’ve created.

    • I know what you mean. I realized with myself that I kept trying to return to the me before my traumas, to some fictional state of wellness or innocence or ignorance, that is the way I defined recovery but the fact is there is no such person. There is just me as I am now and I don’t have to get over the trauma, you never get over that shit, you move forward and that is what I am doing, I am not living that life anymore. Some days though like you it is just my family that keeps me here because I don’t want to be. You hang in there, you brilliant, lovely, fiery woman

      • I “heard a message through the universe” if you will not too long ago that said something like, “get over it already; don’t hold onto things that happened well over 20 years ago.” While maybe there is some truth in that, it’s just as you’ve said. There’s no going back. There’s no re-becoming who you were. Someone new was invented at every trauma point.

        All that’s possible is taking one more step forward, continuing to exist seconds at a time. That’s all. Sometimes there will be moments, even days, of joy. Other times, we will beg for the grave. There’s no philosophy or “truth” to grasp that will change the reality that we are who we are, despite trying to be someone different almost every day. It’s the days when I realize I am who I am that I can barely drag myself out of bed.

      • I am a long way from self-acceptance. I am not even aiming to love myself like I can’t even begin to comprehend that, I am just aiming to see myself as neutral and I don’t mean that in an apathetic, I have given up way, more like I am okay with this person, objective way, to be respectful of myself. When I feel myself looping like a broken record, when I start exaggerating or inflating the everyday hardships (which I do) I just keep telling myself you’ve got this, I mean you’ve been through hell and back, you aren’t going down over burnt pancakes.. It doesn’t always work because my mind psychotically persistent but I keep crawling forward or upward, more like someone clawing their way out of the grave. I am trying to make sure to do new things, I think that helps the most with Depression to learn something new because for those minutes you are engaged. For those few minutes you are opening up yourself and your world just that little bit and at least getting a bit of air. Exercise also helps me and the corpse pose basically laying on your back, being in your body, going through and scanning the whole body learning to be in that body, learning how to let yourself feel safe again. Letting yourself feel safe is hard because I am pretty much queued for assault but it is exhausting living for war like that.

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