Mag 300

rain Wolfgang Suschitzky - Charing Cross Road, London, 1937

Charing Cross Road, 1937 by Wolfgang Suschitzky

Once you acknowledge your captivity

there is nothing left to do but run.

A panic-driven, soul-clenching reform,

she of the bedrock, of the rain-washed streets,

of the sewage-crusted moats.

The last of the bourgeois, a phenomenon

in her own right, a patent still pending

completely ordinary, delirious

in a wash of festering cumulus.

Walls are a consequence of denial.

She is running to him, crossing streets

and archetypes to deliver her message.

His answer is only possible in chase,

because he does not really love her.

I am struggling psychologically and as a consequence my writing is suffering partly because I am not writing. The night before last I had two panic attacks. I didn’t manage to get any sleep and I am still feeling the physical effects. I know I am over-thinking, over-reacting, being completely ridiculous. Every fiber of my being seems to be rebelling and while I have kept the self-destructive, self-sabotaging impulses at bay (for the moment) I am just not feeling very stable.


34 responses to “Mag 300

  1. Your writing is not suffering. You’re just going stir-crazy. It’ll come out in the wash, and you’ll be okay. You’re just too deep, smart, and artistic for your own good. OBVIOUSLY you’re going to be crazy; you can’t be a poet/artist and not be, my dear. In this poem, I think the man is really art itself … that hunger inside you that makes you lust and desperately desire an “encounter” with “your man.” In other words, that drooling mess of need we feel when we are craving the time and mess it takes to paint/write.

    “Once you acknowledge your captivity
    there is nothing left to do but run.”

    “a patent still pending
    completely ordinary, delirious
    in a wash”

    “She is running to him, crossing streets
    and archetypes”

    I think your suffering is coming from trying to be too normal. You want to be responsible, a good mother/wife, a functional human. You’re trying to force yourself into a mold. You have to embrace your “crazy” to be sane. When you try to fight it, that’s when you REALLY go crazy.

    I’m here for you sis. You wanna send me an email? …

    • Thank you so much for your kind words. I do seem to be trying too hard to be sane and normal at least to appear that way at certain times (I am not that way at home, normal I mean because I can be myself around the hubbie). I have serious issues with authority and bureaucracy ad society and just the idiocy of humans in large groups. I have trouble with change and by trouble I mean I am stubborn like beyond reason even if the change is my idea and something I quite like I still fight it. I have trouble accepting help and again by trouble I mean I fight against it with every fiber of my being. My ODD is just having a tantrum I guess.

      • The psychologist I saw with Unemployment Office thought I ought to be but since it has not been mentioned again and I haven’t received anything my guess is no I won’t be receiving any financial assistance. I am not really sure I will even get a paying job not just because jobs are tough to find but because many jobs don’t pay

  2. You are not being ridiculous. You are being human. I don’t know, but if you just wrote what I read, you are writing, and it is brilliant. Possibly consider not being so hard on yourself? Maybe you are wonderful. Just as you are. Because you are.

  3. I couldn’t find a quote that I liked about being stable, so here’s the next best thing:

    “Being born in a stable does not make one a horse.” Arthur Wellesley


  4. At times Hank feels that way too, panic attacks – nothing seems to work! Apparently it is quite common to be afflicted. But it is just a temporary thing and one can overcome it.


  5. I’m sure you know that you’re not alone in this struggle but convincing the heart of that when it’s distressed is not easy. You shall remain in my prayers! Out of your pain, beautiful, vibrant poetry is emerging!

  6. You’re writing is beautiful … Those feelings will leave soon; and soon you’ll feel well again💞💞🌾💞hugs

  7. I hope you feel better soon. Sometimes, we get an overly negative image of our own selves, simply because the idiots (like some you mentioned in one of the comments, the bureaucracy and similar) are always grouped and always so loud!

  8. I feel like I’m running too! Very powerful feelings there and that’s what writing is good for, to set them free! Keep up the good work! You are loved by me! Hugs!

  9. sending you light hugs and good energy ….

    the poem is perfect – really – concise, precise, with enough imagery and metaphor and allusion to keep on pleasantly thinking – without being too elusive ….

    and it may seem “odd” to you – not per “your more usual form or voice” – but it is simply another slice of you;

    As others have mentioned – when we try to force ourselves to fit fit fit – and we just don’t …. it’s crazier than hell; the “problem” is not you – it doesn’t live breathe in your spirit and essence – the “problem” is not “them” either – in the strictest sense – the “problem” is that for those who are “fringe/different/odd/artistic/highly sensitive etc.” is that – we – we tend to exist rather quietly – hardly openly emerging into “mainstream” society – and because of this – even though we are far more than we think or know we are – in numbers – it’s damn near impossible not to feel insane – and so we keep “trying” to “fit” – when the truth is: “mainstream” needs to “readjust” to be more inclusive – and accepting for and of “us” – because we are integral and valuable and contribute to society as a whole, in very important ways; it’s that just takes time – and is often resisted – but there are far too many of “us” to “safely fit within the parameters as they exist” and function – hence – the incredible dysfunction; it’s really not you …. so try to be gentle and kind with yourself … find safe outlets to allow yourself the space you need.
    There is nothing worse than blasted panic attacks …. so …. here’s hoping this finds you feeling better and more rested.

    • What a spectacular comment! You know, as I have said this to you many times, that you give the best comments! Over all I find people pretty accepting but boy is it ever tough when you meet someone who simply cannot stand your existence. I have a cousin that just hated me so much for being odd, I mean everything about me was just rubbish in her opinion. Then there are those who do not notice anything because they have this vision of the world and they sort of make everyone fit into that vision and just go right on talking away about whatever and you could have spontaneously combusted and they would think ah maybe I need sunscreen and not even realize what had happened. And then many people are so worried about their own awkward that they just don’t register other people’s awkward. The world is strange

      • The world is strange

        yeah …. it is …

        I completely understand – I often get the “hate on sight” – and very often by strangers …. but I’ve just learned to shrug it off – mostly – because it’s part of who I am – I can’t help it if I unsettle some people – it’s not intentional or deliberate – it just is. But it can be dangerous.

      • I seem to really piss off the athletic prep myself! Extreme apathy gets under my skin, people always shrugging and saying they don’t care about anything or that everything is boring that riles me up

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