Wordle #232

232

My left angel gasps,

an incredulous loss

a pause to remember

a longer one to forget.

My opinions pivot,

up or down

I am utterly lost.

The cold snares

my waffling extremities,

dusts my hair,

slaps my nakedness

until ripe and wanton.

The signs laid before me

are crippled

with foreign alphabets.

The crowd engenders

my solitude.

The dial sticks,

sometimes karma skips

a generation and I am here

making up for you,

for those indispensable

little nothings that comprise

our overlapping lives.

What a terrible dearth.

I am wrong side out,

a foraging heart

overcompensating

collapsing on mention.

Rough day today. I met with the unemployment office but I met with yet another caseworker who knew nothing about me because chose not to read my file beforehand. She wanted to hear it from me and while I do understand that, I was not prepared (and neither was she imo) for it and it felt like I was starting from scratch all over again. I always have to plan and have notes available when talking about myself in a statistical/impersonal way. I was really unnerved and nearly forgot how to speak Swedish. The woman was very nice and very encouraging mind but now I am more worried than ever before. Since she knew nothing about my situation, I am wondering if I will still be receiving assistance and if so am I receiving the same assistance I was previously offered or has everything changed? Did I get my hopes up for nothing? From the sound of it there really aren’t any jobs and even finding a place for my training might not be possible (I am extremely perplexed by this as I thought I would be meeting in the library building for training, I thought that was established and I was just waiting for my schedule). I thought I was making some progress but now I have absolutely no idea. I feel like I have already failed.

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25 responses to “Wordle #232

  1. Dealing with bureaucracies is hard (and I know as I work in them!). Hopefully they sort everything out quickly and you get the assistance you’ve been promised. I shall keep my fingers crossed for you! 🙂

  2. How can *you* have failed?

    Try not to take this personally – her reaction and how you were so caught off guard. Clearly – this was either a deliberate “tactic” to see how you can “perform under pressure” – which like it or not, is part of life – and it sounds like you did just fine; as forgetting or almost forgetting the language – well – it’s not your maternal one, so I’m sure, none the less – you managed well. As for what’s actually going on with your case … well hopefully everything is still on track … and that you will be able to be “helped and trained” or whatever was indicated to you as before, or maybe there is something “bigger and better”?
    At any rate … for as completely unsettling and rattling as this has been – try not to project the worst of the worst for the future – clearly no one knows what’s what … and eventually you will have the answers –

    so …. breathe breathe breathe!

    and this poem by the way – it really is amazing – love the simplicity yet power in the way you have created the lines and conjured the images – no matter what you might be feeling and thinking in the moment Yves – do not doubt for one minute you are anything other than highly talented and creative 🙂

    sending you good thoughts and light Yves

    • There are so many things at play here. It has taken me a very long time to get to the point in my life where I felt I could handle part time work. It is a big step for me and to hear that they might not even be able to find a location for me to train is very disheartening as they had originally stated that the training was a given. I knew finding the actual job was going to be tough because right now Sweden is absolutely flooded with people desperate for work and eager to start a new life but I thought you know at least I can build up my skills in the meantime maybe become more employable. I also found the amount of money I will earn will be around what I will need to pay for the bus to get to work which means I still won’t be able to help the family out. I really want to be able to provide something you know? I am worried about things like how are we going to fix the car and how can we get the furnace sorted. I never used to worry much about such things because I was so out of touch with reality, trapped inside of myself entirely nearly catatonic if I am honest, now as that cocoon opens it is just terrifying at times and I feel like I have to hurry up before my time runs out. I know that if I hurry nothing productive will actually happen but I just feel panic, unrelenting panic. Thank you so much btw!

      • Well as long as you understand and know Yves … that my comment was a personal affront or anything as such;

        yes. … it is complicated … because we don’t exist in isolation …. and when you have take such drastic steps … and have worked very hard to overcome so many “difficulties” and challenges … it is frustrating and upsetting when things don’t seem to be working at all …. [believe me, I spend a fair amount of time screaming at “the walls” and ripping myself to shreds – even though my situation is different – worked my ass off and could easily provide for myself – only to now find myself completely unable – and I still blame myself]

        it just seems like it’s one cosmically cruel joke …. and yes, I do understand …. as you change and grow, heal yourself and keep working at it all …. you wonder …. why can’t I contribute to the well-being and financial health of my family …. and it’s equally terrifying to realize or think of everything … in terms of “abilities, competition, and self-worth and value.”

        I hope that you are feeling a bit better – less overwhelmed … sending you light and hugs Yves

      • Thank you so much Pat and best wishes to you as well. Being self-sufficient is something I have never been but hope to be (I believe I am moving in that direction, albeit gradually). I admire you for your strength!

  3. It’s always troubling to hear that systems supposedly set up to help actually wound those who seek assistance from them. Don’t take this wounding to heart. As mj points out above, it’s not you who has failed, its those who work in a system who fail to show compassion, integrity, and competence.

    • Thanks Carol =) I do feel that they want to help honestly but bureaucracies are generally geared toward the average person but if you don’t fit the mold it can take quite a long time to get everything sorted

  4. So sorry for you having such a bad day. Please don’t let it get you discouraged. Stay persistent and I believe you will get the help you need. I wish you the best.

  5. Wishing you the best possible outcome and sending positive vibes your way. I adore your poem, beautifully captured…

  6. You have not already failed. I remember these experiences of starting over, and over, and over with the experts. We need our histories if we’re to grow. Without history, we have no soil for our roots, and we wither.

    Your roots will find their earth.

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