Writing Prompt #144 “Collage 16″

Collage 16

Fissures wider than the smile
harnessed to disguise them.
The day we met I was
too fucked up to breathe
and that’s how I am
most of the time,
pretty as you please
but riddled with insecurity.

Coquettish confections
subdue the bitterness,
the experiences both
ruined and missed.
Pearls dipped in perfume,
a kindling of lingerie
preserving my nakedness
and if I were holy
you would be forever blessed.
“everything was beautiful
and nothing hurt.”

The perfect day,
the cool impostor
My journals piled and peeled
by the ravages of intimacy.
I have given you my secrets
even those I thought would endure.
A heart like crepe paper
kisses infectious, delivered
with the knowledge
that enough is rationed
to make way for what
really matters.

I promise to love you
long after the flowers
have soured, in the dark
of all these trivial conclusions.
Life is always harder
when the ego’s inflamed.
I promise to change
a fraction too late,
to be human only,
to make mistakes
that can’t be reconciled.

I promise to laugh
the loudest when
you’ve fallen into your ways.
I promise to wear my veil
to bed and nothing else
like everyone else does
no matter how honest
they are on the inside.
All I want is your nothings,
the casual is of your fitful desire.

Ran out of time!

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What I must do

I ache for you in intervals

too narrow not to mention.

Goodbye is a void through

which I still and ever will pass.

There is no satisfying

what is essentially finite.

My feelings will outlast

my frame’s momentum,

such is love and such are we.

I’ll never stop hating

the humanity that judged me

underwhelming, the humanity

that rapes and ostracizes

whomever it deems

inconceivable.

Your promises have

the taste of almond

and of them I have eaten dutifully.

My demise can only be

undertaken never achieved.

For as long as I breathe

I have no recourse but to fight

and to love because

that is just what I must do.

Demons

Wrap me in the burlap

of your dispossessing heart,

a shaving of carrion plucked

a season, unseasoned,

subliminal in its predilections.

There’s no way out but down

and no way up but out.

I am aware of the contradiction

of the noose salivating from its perch,

of those indiscriminate appetites

which castigate and ravage.

I am alone within these contexts,

the shadows that fold and keep

lovers and narcissists, villains every one.

I have been extremely distracted/unfocused today. Monday is a pretty big day for me and even when it’s not on my mind, it’s on my mind. I have also been thinking of how difficult it is for me to open up emotionally. While I do open up in the context of poetry, I am still extremely guarded. I posted a short video of myself on my other blog and boy am I ever uncomfortable about it even though I would love to demonstrate exercises. I am uncomfortable with the way I look, with aging, with my weight always whatever it is. Sam is the same and so we have stopped taking photos, almost completely. I want to make Isadora one of those collage style frames with pics of the family because she would love that (we literally have no family photos up at the moment). I am going to have to get used to the camera. I doubt being beautiful would make a difference to be honest because even though I think I look ugly, fat, and old I honestly think that is irrelevant it is more like I don’t want to see myself at all. In any case Isadora does not see me as fat or ugly, she doesn’t even think I look old which is strange. She tells me I am beautiful all the time (she is a very lovely child) because to her I am mommy and mommy’s are beautiful.

Mag 303

woodman francesca

photo by Francesca Woodman

 

You divert me.

My skeins surrender

beneath your ministrations.

A dervish of conspiracies,

a cascade of transparencies

and ineffectual metaphors.

You are a dimensional shift,

a sprig of coriander unblemished.

You unearth me.

My boundaries lengthen

within the contents of our excursions.

A dance with overlapping filaments,

a harrowing of congenital defaults

and unquestionable sentiments.

I am a paranormal infestation,

a morgue of shifting eidolons.

Wordle 235

346

Without risk there is no anchor,

no meaning, no fight to drive action.

How heavy these hours, this state

of perpetual innuendo and each time

I hit the floor it gives way, another hell,

another temporary fix. A team of one,

a bludgeoning of facts, a necrotizing snooze.

Wordle #95

Week 95

I relish in her downpour,

in those dolorous eyes shedding

their irrelevant fears.

A more supple adversary

I have never faced.

More hibiscus than human,

I wait for her in the garden.

I hate her, I elicit her,

my heroic smile fading

before her stone cold heart.

Debt has made us bitter.

We were sisters once

time has yet to deaden

those sentiments but we

are crueler now, less certain.

Sometimes, when I am alone

I forget how unpleasant she is

and I reach out to her claws stowed.

I don’t have a sister so no worries this is fictional haha

B&P’s Shadorma & Beyond – January 23, 2016

vincent_van_gogh_-_green_field_-_google_art_project

Green Wheat Field with Cypress, Vincent van Gogh 1889,  Narodni Gallery, Prague

You rend me (3)

as a secret from packs (6)

of loitering nimbus. (6)

There are faces in the fields (7),

ripe and redolent (5).

You rend me (3)

as a foot from the muck (6)

of a dogged panic. (6)

A familiar house poses (7)

childless and distant. (5)

I’ll call this form the Sisyphus haha

Mag 302

mirror 3

Your eyes are impassible

a bridge over which

my infinite nothings pass.

The oil in your veins

ignites within my hesitations.

However I turn it, it is always

your back facing.

We are the same you and I,

a collusion of venom and wine.

Do not undertake me lightly.

Hold the mirror higher

let it extract within your depths

my approximations.

The moon languishes behind

a flimsy bandage, a blister

against our perfect blackness.

Flat and nostalgic

I detest you pretty girl.

My Unpopular Opinion (a long rant)

I was a vegetarian for a number of years , though my diet was far from perfect (I relied a little too much on meat substitutes) it worked well for me from a health perspective. Hubbie has digestive issues and he can’t handle high fiber (try going 8 times a day plus!). I probably eat 45 grams of fiber everyday and that works for me. We are both open to new foods and have expansive palates but our bodies are not the same. My diet and exercise routine is not suitable for him and vice versa. So the first point I want to make, is no two bodies are exactly alike even if you take out taste preferences altogether.

My second point is climate! Where you live dictates how you eat to some degree or it should because you should be seeking out local/fresh ingredients as much as possible. While many grocery stores carry items all year round and items from all over the world they are not necessarily affordable and let’s face it some of that produce is hanging by a thread in the despair of winter. Now that I live in a cold climate my access to produce has diminished, particularly during the winter months (my body also has somewhat different nutritional requirements now). My access to specialty items has dropped significantly as well. I now have to hunt for tofu (tofu is a specialty item in Sweden) because it isn’t available in every store and not at all locally. If I want tofu I have to drive (ahem be driven) about 1 hour 20 minutes round trip. I am fairly certain that driving long distances isn’t great for the environment so tofu alone is not enough to warrant such a journey. I am too lazy to make tofu, though I did look into it. What about people living in remote areas of the arctic? How is a vegetarian or vegan diet suitable for that climate? Is it even possible? When I lived in Asheville I had access to everything I could possibly need to sustain a vegetarian lifestyle and a nice warm climate to boot. Location is an important consideration.

I agree that humans eat too much meat. By and large we make meat a main course and many have meat with every meal. Meat should be a side-dish at most and in warmer months the consumption of fruit and vegetables should go up substantially. Meat does not need to be consumed at every meal. I agree that a plant-based diet is better for the environment and that we can’t really go on as we are currently. So much produce is discarded simply because it does not meet aesthetic standards, good nutritious, life-sustaining food left to rot because it isn’t pretty enough! I think the biggest obstacle to sustainability is our own pickiness. Everyone has a diet/lifestyle they want to maintain whatever the cost. I can’t tell you how many adult tantrums I have witnessed at the sight of an unfamiliar or disliked food. We even fake allergies to lose weight! We want our brands. We want our exotic super foods. We want sugar! We even vilify whole food groups and ruin our health in the process. Rice, potatoes, pasta staples that apparently make you fat and shame on anyone who eats them. Rice kept me alive through poverty. I still eat rice and it has not made me fat and in fact I actually feel my best when eating rice regularly.

When Isadora was a baby she ate whatever we fed her, what choice did she have? There was no such thing as adult food or child food. Society did not agree, the media did not agree, relatives did not agree. They declared there is a difference and that kids need to eat processed junk, leave the veggies for the adults. Eventually she decided that there was a very clear difference between adult food and kid food. I can’t eat that because it isn’t for kids! Feeding her involves a lot more tears nowadays. We are spoiled and we are choosy and to me that is the main issue because we can’t even consider alternative protein sources like insects. Even I feel a bit squeamish about certain insects and the bigger and the squisher they are the more squeamish I feel! We decide we don’t like a food and we never try it again, we don’t try preparing it in different ways, it becomes taboo. Now I don’t like everything but I do revisit foods (if healthy) and I do eat what is on offer even when it isn’t in keeping with my personal tastes. Eat in a way the reflects the seasons, if you eat the same all year round (unless you live near the equator) that should ring a few alarm bells!

Humans are omnivores. I don’t see any reason why they can’t be vegan or vegetarian and in some climates and environments it is surely the way to go but I don’t think we should condemn humans for eating meat. Condemn our cruel farming practices, our waste by all means but not our biology. We don’t condemn lions for being predators (well some people do actually). I don’t think it is wrong to hunt for food if you honor the animal by making use of it as much as possible. Obviously we are no longer hunter/gathers but there are still hunters out there bringing us food, keeping the ecosystem balanced, and doing so in an respectful/sustainable way. I realize there are also people hunting for fun and for trophies and hunting endangered animals for their horns, furs, and genitals this is not okay.

We are always trying to fight against nature, most people are afraid of nature, they think she is cruel. They are afraid of human nature as well and it is this fear that make us cruel, it is that fear that makes us extreme, paranoid and hysterical, it is that fear that leaves each of us feeling empty and unlovable. It is that fear that makes us attempt to control and micromanage everything and prevents us from following our inner nature (which I btw believe to be good). We now have to have exercise schedules/plans and specific equipment/buildings for exercise because we don’t move enough daily! We don’t work with our bodies, we don’t play, we don’t walk. I am no different I am quite sedentary except when I am working out or cleaning.

Before I end my rant. I am sick of propaganda. I am sick of people with a good cause, employing vicious and sometimes violent methods to get their message heard. Don’t become the monster. Remember that no matter how mad you get at the system or society nothing will improve by raising another army of monsters and extremists. Let compassion dictate, not hatred.