Apologies

Where has Yves been? I apologize to anyone I might have worried in my unexplained absence. Winter is hitting me hard this year and I fear I have entered a kind of quasi hibernation state. Eating, sleeping, compulsively preparing my den. My husband is also suffering with Depression and is currently feeling very low. Even my daughter is experiencing mood swings from bouncing off the walls to sulky/whiny. We are a fine mess! With the holidays everyone is home and so we have attempted several outings which have kept me away from the computer much of the day (come night I am too tired to put anything together).

While I have not received a response from every magazine I have submitted to, every one that has responded has replied with a NO THANKS. The rejections have been polite and none of them have suggested that I should never write again or that it would be a waste of time to submit again (some have encouraged future submissions) but they are still rejections. I am wondering if I should continue pursuing magazine publication or just go with self-publishing my own books? While I have found magazines that have some great poetry (none that have wowed with every poem but some gems), I don’t think I have found a magazine that suits me exactly. I think my writing may be too abstract but not so abstract as to be deliberately nonsensical. I think my work is in this uncomfortable state of quasi-reality that just isn’t fashionable, classification specific enough. Still, I think some people want to read my poems and I sure as hell want to write them. Only right now I am processing the rejections and feeling supremely vulnerable and guarded about the whole business. I will snap back. I know it but right now this is where I am.

Some of you may not know this but I am obsessive. My mom calls it OCD, I call it hyper-focus but who knows. If I am focused on exercise I will exercise several hours a day, draw up exercise plans, diet plans, weigh and measure my food, weigh and measure myself, read about exercise, watch exercise/nutrition related videos, dream about exercise, think about exercise nonstop to the point where anything not specifically exercise/nutrition related becomes a bother (did I mention I also talk about the topic until other people want to either join my obsession or murder me?). Right now I am like that about organizing. I lay awake at night thinking about boxes and organization but since I have literally organized everything in the house I am just sort of left picking up lint off the floor mindlessly whenever I am home. Maybe I have OCD, maybe! The thing is I am not that way all the time. I have 3 big obsessions diet/exercise, cleaning (as a kid this meant 3 hour baths daily and rearranging our house continuously), and writing. I have others but those are the big 3. As I said though I am not always obsessed, I can go weeks without being stuck but when I get stuck I don’t usually unstick until I complete the mission, if there is a mission, wear out or become frightened. I might get stuck on the exercise bit for a year and then realize I have lost way too much weight and the sight of myself in the mirror snaps me out of it again (I never seem to mind the buying new clothes part though, except when adult clothes no longer fit). I am hoping once my delivery comes in from Ikea with more storage boxes and I have sorted that it will be enough. If it doesn’t do the trick I may have to literally write a schedule that forces me to do other things for a while until I regain my bearings. Sigh.

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26 responses to “Apologies

  1. Don’t let the rejections get you down. I hear it’s part of the writers journey. I’ve been querying my novel via email. They say if you don’t hear from them in 6 to 8 weeks it’s safe to assume they reject your work. I would like a rejrction letter to a least know. But they only snail mail rejection for paper submissions. That would be too expensive. Best of luck with all that’s going on in your life.

    • Thank you Kim and best wishes to you with your novel. Poetry is hard as many magazines won’t publish poets who are not established. The problem is to get established you must be published in magazines, have traditionally published books (publishing houses don’t publish poetry generally and I haven’t located a single one that does), or have an agent (poets almost never have agents) so it is just one of those things. I read the easiest way to do it, is actually to get a remedial job with place you want to be published and after sometime schmoozing, start submitting, I can’t see myself moving to New York to be a janitor when I have zero interest in living in New York and could not afford to live there on a janitors salary. Life is kind of absurd sometimes.

  2. I totally dislike when the Winters of my soul coincide with the actual season. God bless you Yves and I pray that this transition in years will bring the sunshine again! ❤

    • Thank you so much for your kindness. Winter is difficult for me, particularly since I moved to Sweden as I am originally from a warm climate with distinct days and nights. Though the days are short there has at least been sunshine the last few days, November tends to me a continuous murky haze. Still I can’t seem to shrug off the fatigue I am up to sleeping 10 hrs a night. Every time I wake up it is very dark so I don’t realize how late it has gotten and I feel so drained and tired

  3. Don’t take the rejections too much to heart – it is typical of the publishing world all round as I understand it – trust me, I can report a similar response to sending queries for my novels at the moment! The thing is to find the person in the publishing world that gets you and what you are writing – that can be hard to do (as I can attest to) but is probably just a numbers game overall. Your writing is superb and will find its publisher and broader audience I am sure, it may take time, but you will get there. 🙂

  4. Our lives are made up of many seasons, and this is just a different one you’re in, Yves. You’re incredibly self aware so this will stand you in good stead. OCD or hyper-focus… I dunno what it is. It is what it is and it’s part of what makes you YOU for now. At least the lint fairies know not to darken your doorstep, so that’s something. Those lint fairies can be quite nasty… 😛

    • lol they can be Tony they can be. I have a lot of hair and I shed like a malamute when stressed and it creates these weird tumbleweeds and once, one of these tumbleweeds captured a passing spider and I kid you not it couldn’t break free of my hair

  5. Everyone deserves a break every now and then…I hope you feel refreshed soon…don’t get discouraged with your writing, it is excellent and it will find its place, somewhere, at some point – keep faith 🙂
    Wishing you a very Happy New Year 🙂

  6. Rejection is totally normal, Yves, and, if you can, you should just nod and move on. I submit poetry about twice a year, because I can never find a fit. I don’t know what the answer is, that’s why PFP was created, to publish the kind of poetry I like to read, but that I never see published.
    Whatever you do, don’t take the rejections personally. Just cross them off your list and move on.
    Sorry to hear that winter is taking its toll on you. I hope that your new year brings some relief. Hugs 💖💖

    • hugs back and thanks Bianca. The rejections are just one of several things and while many of those things are not so big in and of themselves it is sort of piling up on me at the moment

  7. I have a keen eye for talent, and you have it. You are gritty and bitchy and sharp and tender. You and I both know what a brilliant poet and tigress you are. Very few other opinions even count. Let it roll off. It would really be beneath you to appear in those lame mags.

    • Oh wow thank you so much for your kind words lol It’s hard to say if it is the rejections that have slowed my writing or if it is just the holidays and not really having enough quiet time to reflect

      • I’m sure the busy-ness of the season is messing with your head. I can’t say this emphatically enough: I HATE this time of year. Holidays. Birthday. Yucky weather. But without it, how would I know to have such a deep appreciation for spring?

  8. I think it’s the combo pack of all things …. holidays, stress, seasons changing, etc. etc. and if you “work” with your personal demons (as it were) as often as you do – then it just seems like an avalanche – but here’s the thing – maybe it’s just your body and spirit saying (okay – yelling – some of us are more hard-headed and stubborn than others 😉 *as I stand obstinate*) slow the hell down – stop – and let it ride; some moments, as hellish as they are – just need to be lived – and yeah – when day blurs into night into day – it’s more than awful – and if everyone around you is also feeling down or has “cabin fever” – then it makes it rough going; but let’s put a positive spin on this:
    1) so winter has arrived? technically now we are gaining daylight each day …
    2) rejection letters? so what – you had the courage to do it – and more to the point – this gives you a chance to stop, look at your works, review, consider, toss, edit, rewrite whatever
    3) change who you are to satisfy a market? you could try – and I’m guessing be successful at it – but would it mean anything to you? probably not – and since you know writing is a passion – then do what moves you
    4) if you are such a word wizard, then maybe consider trying something all together different? can you write fiction or write copy? all these rejections have pointed out something useful – you are “seeing” your work from an “outsider” perspective – and that’s good – because it means you can decide how to proceed – not that you need to bow to anyone
    5) somewhere – Yves’s voice will find its “home” with an audience – and as long as you are driven to follow what moves you – then, it has to be more than enough
    6) sometimes the “well” of us – the experiences, the feelings etc. is either too full or has dried up – either way, we’re tired of hauling the bucket up – so “resting” – as in needing time to just sleep, eat well, explore things or do the “ordinary” with new eyes – is all we need.

    Right … enough of my 3 cents – worth nothing more than a copper penny …

    hang in there …. and sending you lots of light, hugs and good thoughts Yves
    xxx
    Pat

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