Yesterday I had an appointment with the Unemployment Office. I now have a code that identifies me as disabled actually I have 2 codes one for ADD and one for psychological problems. What does that mean? It means that I am eligible to receive extra help. Also apparently I will get some money from the government but I do not know how much or when that starts. Some time in January I will begin job training. I will begin with two hours a day and work my way up to four, which is effectively half-time. Half-time is my goal as I want to keep going with my writing. My caseworker will accompany me to the training site in the beginning. When I am finished with training the next step is to find a job placement. They will contact any prospective employers in my stead and if I should get accepted, accompany me to work as well. For how long I don’t really know maybe only the first day?

Asking for help is not easy. Aside from the self-loathing aspect that insists I do not deserve help/compassion/generosity there is the pride aspect that says nothing counts if you don’t do it by yourself. I try to reason with myself that no one lives in a vacuum and that everyone needs support at times (in fact we work together all the time in life) but my big fat ego refuses to accept common sense. I have tremendous issue with pride. Pride denies the need for outside help in treatment. Pride says you have to earn the payment and self-loathing says you never can because you aren’t worth anything. It is a vicious cycle and honestly this insane thinking has prevented me from going through unemployment before. It has also left me sitting around in my room with uncashed checks because I didn’t feel worthy. The money I earned from my first book, I only recently spent to support a poetry magazine but literally it had been siting in my account untouched. There is nothing logical about this issue and I hope I can shift my thinking. I am hoping training and working will improve my confidence (what confidence?).