Anne Worner “Don’t Fall In” CC BY 2.0
A cacophony of pawns and inverted innuendos,
we seek truth but revoke its passage
in deference to the ego’s exhausted scripts.
A fool is a fool whatever his age or position.
Transit never satisfies the need for escape
wherever I go distress inevitably follows.
Bags clutched, I’m always starting anew
And I haven’t learned anything save ambiguity.
–
I had a breakdown today. I don’t cope well with stress. Balance is elusive to the point of absurdity. The moment I feel well-enough I go full out trying to compensate for all the days I wasn’t well-enough. Sam came home from work (which is like a 40 minute drive away) to give me hug and sit with me. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry, he is so sweet. I couldn’t manage to go to Isadora’s school though, I am just too fragile/unstable. I have no idea how I am going to be this week in regards to writing, I still have things I have to do that I can’t cancel.
mindlovemisery 
I’m sorry to hear about your stress and hope it is of short duration. Write when it feels good to do so, be gentle with yourself, we will all be here for your next poetry when it is right for you my friend. 🙂
Thank you Helen for your support, you have stuck by me and my blog and that means so much to me
🙂
You have learned so much. Mostly you have learned to trust you own voice, and that “bags clutched, ‘you’ are always starting anew.”
That is the most remarkably hopeful statement I have read in a long time.
Awww thank you Cindy
Sam is so good to you. Now, if you can manage it, be good to yourself also, Yves. Big hugs from me! 🙂
Thank you Tony (hugs back) he is my heart
You will be okay. Just breaaaaaaathe….
That is surprisingly easy to forget
So sorry to read this, Yves. I fervently hope you get well soon. Hugs and much love. 🙂
Thank you Celestine your words have touched me (hugs back)
I’m sending you good thoughts and light Yves …. I know how damn impossible and so rough it can be when you feel this lousy …. and are so upside down sideways because of the fragility of needing someone and something….. and it seems absurd when it has to come from someone, no matter how loved and treasured they are, other than ourselves. That being said …. give yourself permission to just let all of the extra garbage and stress go…. all we can do in each moment, in each day, is all we can do; we chase our tails trying to make up for the times when we are “less than” – which gets us into more shit … and honestly … it’s one of the worst aspects of self-abuse we inflict on ourselves.
So cry, weep, mourn whatever losses you feel, write, create, collapse and snooze …. and just allow it all to be done safely, with no additional “outside pressures” …. just let it be …. you shoulder an awful lot … and no one here is going to demand anything of you … of what you can and can’t give or should or shouldn’t do ….. so … sending you a huge but gentle hug …. some soft tissues and something warm and soothing to drink ….
As for your response to the photo challenge and the Writing prompt – very apt and well done …. simple and elegant in the honesty, in the word choices and phrasing…. and I can bet you’re saying … this was written in my madness and I’m not happy with it …. and I’ll say … “be happy anyhow” … because 1) it’s honest and insightful 2) it’s part of your writing process and part of what you need to get out now 3) nothing is ever finished and most things … are not written in stone or concrete or slabbed granite … so it is what it is … and that’s way more than enough.
Be well Yves …. and take care of you … and yeah, let yourself be spoiled and taken care of my your family – Sam is a total charm and treasure …. and that’s a really good thing – because he understands you. And it’s all good, yes? Even if it feels like hell …. so as that cliched expression says, if you’re going through hell …. just keep on going …. and with good reason … otherwise how do we make it through?!
hugs light and love Yves
pat
You are so right about that Pat. I didn’t call Sam to come home but he could tell by my voice, he was armed with two bars of chocolate as well. He gets me. I watched this show, seemingly innocuous and unrelated but for some reason it just brought up a lot of shit and it formed some weird bridge to other stuff that had been on my mind (or in the back of it) like this devastating movie I watched that I had no business watching and shadow people and repression and it just spiraled. I had a lot of flashbacks yesterday. He is amazing. Thank you so much Pat for your thoughtful and supportive response. As always you are full of wisdom (hugs)
sending you lots of hugs right back at you …. triggers are the worst … *sigh* … it’s one thing when they creep up and smack you hard, unexpectedly…. but sometimes I have to wonder if we are – well at least myself, I can speak for no one else – if there isn’t some “demented” compulsion that makes us deliberately choose to follow something that we know – “know” we shouldn’t – but we do it anyways ….
anyhow …. take good care of you … and enjoy the chocolate …. it’s one of those “feel good” substances that can metabolically trigger “helpful” chemical reactions …
I do have penchant for watching horror/paranormal movies/shows and the first few days of that I am good but then I start to have issues with sleep paralysis and paranoia so I tell myself no horror movies but sometimes I watch them. This time though I think it was a weird unforeseeable connection that was made
I was thinking that “This time though I think it was a weird unforeseeable connection that was made” — sometimes against “better judgement” we are compelled because there is something that needs our attention, whether we want it or not, and hence we follow … and the cards or hands are laid down ….
I chose a busy and chaotic time to lose my shit but you know timing has never been my strong suit lol They always say that these things arise when we are capable of dealing with them even though it does not feel that we are dealing or coping properly
roflmao …. not because this is particularly amusing …. because I could have written these words myself …. shit happens as it will happen whether we are willing to accept it or not … it’s kind of like …. we make plans and God laughs 😉
I think we have to laugh, once we stop laughing at the absurdity of life and our own personal absurdity we are truly fucked
I feel like that most days … truly fucked.
I don’t – can’t – find the absurdity in my cosmic chess game …. but I find it embarrassingly obvious …. so I just feel … f.u.c.k.e.d.
I remember Sam and I were having an argument. I had broken a pair of headphones and I must have broken 5 before that and he finally snapped and said “No more headphones for you!” and I said really I can’t have headphones every again, that was it my very last pair and we just started laughing and now whenever we are having a stupid fight we “No more headphones for you.”
roflmao … well … you know … sometimes it’s those smallest of moments when the most deluded and stupid things are said (yelled or screamed or issued) … that offer the most brilliant of tension breaking moments …. and relief ….
as for the headphones …. perhaps you are headphone challenged 😉 5 pairs?! or maybe your hair just doesn’t like the restriction 😉
So true Pat, so true. I have massive uncontrollable hair that literally finds its way into everything, it actually caused issues with my EEGs. The pair I have now I have had for years!!! I couldn’t be prouder lol
roflmao … well … first of all mystery solved! so you found the right set to work with your hair, which clearly … has its own ideas about life in general … my my how unruly 😉
It definitely has a mind of its own, Sam feels like he is being attacked by a tentacled monster during the night
lol …. oh dear … that could pose problems of a nightmarish kind ….
It can indeed, I know it manages to creep up and scare the crap out of me sometimes
and I have to add … “lemme off this fucking madhouse roller coaster” ….. 😉
lol I am rare in that despite being miserable a good portion of the time I am completely in love with life. I must be a masochistic
perhaps … but then, why not?
I’m not in love with life …. too tired …. been around this block far too many times …. but for some stupid reason I keep sticking around …. foolish naive hope perhaps … dunno.
Hope is hard to shake, I have at times thought it was a disease but then if I hadn’t hung on I would have missed some amazing stuff
true … we never can be sure what is just a breath away …
I am so sorry to hear the struggles that you are going through right now in your life. It sure can be so difficult. I will keep you in my prayers and please don’t worry. Try to take one tiny step at a time. ❤
Thank you so much for your kind words of encouragement and for your prayers
It’s what we do as community! ❤
WordPress is an amazing community, I have met so many amazing people and talented writers here, you included!
Me too! Thank you! 🙂
My dear Yves, please take care of you, you are a unique person one we like having around our blogs….so you are a two bars of chocolate girl eh?? Take care….((Hugs))
Thank you Michael! I never could eat 2 bars in one day, not even 1 but they were two of my favorite kinds and I have little squares here and there (hugs back)
‘Transit never satisfies the need for escape’
While the whole of it bespeaks volumes for many of us – that line caught me. Since I know of so many who have attempted escape only to constantly remind me of how unsatisfied they seem to be.
When one is a child they have no choice but to be uprooted when parents are ‘moved’ like the chess pieces they allow themselves to be.
Though perhaps not always by choice?
That line also reminds me that while I enjoy going somewhere I am truly at peace and comfortable in my own home.
Hugs for you. Continue to love life and surely with hope love will be returned.
Thanks for your word lists and prompts. And your visits to ‘BeeBee’.
Thank you Jules for your kind words. As a child I used to go on very long walks from sunup to sundown and I never felt I could get far enough away. You can’t escape yourself or your life. I love my home now, it is full of love. It is my pleasure Jules!
(Keep getting my comments eaten. I am doing something wrong)
We listen, we hear, we get it. We understand.
So take good of yourself (and let Sam take good care of you, too).
Rest as easy as you can. (((((hugs)))))
Sometimes WP is a little grumpy/hungry. Thanks so much (hugs back)
Sorry to hear that, Yves. These moments of stress are usually followed by a blessing, so hang in there and breathe. ❤️❤️
Thank you Bianca after the meeting yesterday I am beginning to feel more optimistic.