Oh Dear!

Dear Nameless you are my progenitor, my faceless amnesia, my curse.

Dear Mochai unlucky girl, you paint rainbows on barred windows and run from thunder.

Dear Ei Vene my beautiful corpse you speak only to yourself.

Dear Varian trickster, psychopomp you slip through doors three sizes too small.

Dear Theron you are my sanity, my humanity, my ability to function in a world gone mad.

Dear Yves speak to me only in poetry, you are my ink, my blood, my raison d’etre.

Dear Nikolai you are voodoo manifest.

Dear Dread you are the darkness, the wall-crawling shadow, my rusted clockwork heart.

Dear Mollie there exists no grudge that you have not borne.

Dear Kesai you keep your fangs tucked beneath an alluring smile.

Dear Kimaxsis your tongue could slice through barbed-wire, you are my fire, my anarchistic heart.

As far as poetry goes this isn’t really but it is deeply personal. The above characters are me, every one of them. Some time ago my therapist asked me to make a list of my different “aspects” so that we could discuss them and perhaps in time reintegrate them. When the exercise was first suggested to me I was terrified. Did I really have multiple personalities? In truth I am not sure if what I have could be considered distinct personalities. They do not identify themselves by name. I do not forget my loved ones, my blog, or certain aspects of my life. I have memory gaps certainly. I have mood swings that alter my personality. I have variances in my medical results and performance/skill sets. I am inconsistent but do I really transform into someone else? For this exercise I have chosen to flesh out what are in truth rather ambiguous characters. These characters do not all manifest with the same frequency and not every trait assigned to them is always outwardly apparent. There is some wrestling/arguing that goes on between them as well.

I have used game characters to represent my internal personas in some instances because they are so closely matched. All the characters I have used come from Planescape Torment, which is why I am so drawn to the game, it is the most myself I can possibly be.

So now I will introduce you to the “aspects” in summary and expose you to my deepest weaknesses and most disturbing behaviors at the same time. Do not read further if you do not want to know because unlike me you probably can’t unknow things.

The Nameless One is an amnesiac immortal. He has literally been through hell and back. Each time he “dies” a new incarnation rises up within him. These “deaths” are gradually unraveling his mind and eventually he will lose the ability to pull himself back from the void. I think it is more than a little obvious why I relate so strongly to this character. I am this character or rather this character is a fragment of me. I have the amnesia, I have the traumatic PTSD-inducing past, I am slowly but surely losing my mind. The Nameless One draws suffering souls to him like a magnet. I draw suffering souls. He is charismatic and has a strong influence over others. I can be dangerously persuasive both intentionally and unintentionally. This aspect has a strong will and therefore prefers to keep company with strong-minded individuals who are not easily molded or broken. The Nameless One is also sarcastic, he sees the absurdity in life, and is known to play the devil’s advocate. He is physically strong and has a high threshold for pain. This is the part of me that falls down a flight of stairs, stands up bruised and bloody with no fuck’s given. This is the part of me that heals obscenely fast. This is the part of me that was physically stronger than all the other kids in school. This is the part of me that stopped bullies dead in their tracks and made them back off without so much as a word. The Nameless One marches to the beat of his own drummer.

Mochai is a weak character and represents the more pathetic aspects of my nature. Physically she has large brown, heavily-circled eyes, dresses in over-sized rags, and has thick, brown shaggy hair. She is superficial and easily influenced by other people. She is needy and suffers from two conflicting impulses to be invisible and to fit in. She has really bad luck and is regarded by most to be annoying and unlikable. She is irresponsible, dependent, lazy and mooches off of others. She complains a lot. She avoids confrontation whenever possible and has a hard time assuming responsibility for her actions. She is jealous and has serious trust and abandonment issues. She is the part of me that is terrible with math and is always getting lost and overwhelmed by the basics of daily living. She is of low intelligence. She is socially incompetent. She is the one most effected by my father’s brain-washing strategies. She has next to no confidence and lives in constant fear. She is the one who became afraid of Freddy Kruger.

Ei Vene physically: tiefling, corpse white, bony, black hair, orange sickly eyes (nearly blind), talons for fingernails. Like Mochai Ei Vene is socially incompetent and isolated but unlike Mochai she enjoys the solitude and does not seek the approval of others. In fact she is largely oblivious to other people and talks primarily to herself/inanimate objects. She is grumpy and accidentally insulting. She is also bossy. She is creepy/weird and likes scary movies. She is also the part of me that excels at medicine. Ever since I was a girl I have had an intense fascination with all things medical. She is the part of me that aced the military placement exam in medicine right out of high school.

Varian is one of the more mysterious aspects of myself, the part that leads people to think I am a ghost and/or that I have supernatural powers. Physically he is very tall, white hair, jagged teeth, one silver eye that sees into other dimensions and one gold eye that sees into the past/future, he wears a top hat, carries a cane, and has a Steampunk style of dress. Varian is very curious and inquisitive. He is peculiar and has no understanding of personal space. He can sense spirits, predict death, and helps people to crossover. He moves oddly and seems to be out of sync with the rest of time. He loves sweets and cute animals. He has excellent coordination and is very graceful and quick. He can appear out of nowhere and disappear half-way through a conversation. Varian is insanely lucky and when he wishes for something it almost always comes to pass. He has saved my life more than once. I am not really sure if he is a guardian or if he is an aspect of myself. He appeared to me in a dream once.

Theron is the most normal of all the mes in many respects. He is sweet, laidback, considerate. He is a good listener and tends to be on the quiet side. He is good at school including mathematics. He is very patient and contains a good percentage of my wisdom. He has recovered from my past trauma or perhaps is unaware of it I am unsure, he is like the me I might have been if I had not been traumatized. He has a quiet confidence and enjoys trying new things. He can write but does not contain my poetical muse, so he is not the me that writes poetry. He is is the me that functions as an adult, the one who got me through school, he keeps my relationships from crumbling. He is loyal and compassionate. He is passionate and generous sexually.

Yves is the writer hence her being the one who bares my pen-name. Yves loves reading, loves hearing other people’s stories, is obsessed and consumed with writing poetry. Yves is often caught up in daydreams and like Mochai tends to be avoidant (largely because she is lost in thought). She loves long walks. She is very passionate about her favorite topics but when out of her element she is easily distracted. She loses track of time and tends to run late. She is sensitive, prone to melancholy, stubborn, attractive, and prefers a Bohemian-style of dress. She is the me that as a child went around knocking on doors and asking people their stories. She sometimes forgets the aspects of daily life. She takes people’s pain into herself and feels very very deeply.

Mollie this is the aspect of myself that comes from my grandmother. As you know my grandmother raised me partially and kept a very watchful eye over me, she was in every aspect of my life. This is the part of me that has the same conversation 15 times in a row, the part of me that holds grudges, the vindictive, intense, needy, jealous, manipulative, and inappropriate part. This is the part of myself whose love looks a lot more like obsession. The part of me who is moody and tries to micromanage the lives of my family. This is the part of me that wants to know everything about what a person is doing and where they are, the paranoid and suspicious part. The part of me whose fear of men has become angry. This is also where my coldness comes from.

Dread is the aspect of myself that holds the bulk of my self-loathing. He is tortured and unstable and like Ei Vene talks to himself. He is that scary ambiguous part that contains all the traumatic things I cannot remember. Dread is the one that holds my suicidal urges and a portion of the rage that occurs with abuse. He is not a human he is more of a scarecrow hybrid (he is tall and thin, tan, weathered-abused skin, long black dreads, somewhat pointed features, and strange purple eyes). He is also a an ascetic by nature and deprives himself of those things which he needs to function/be happy.

Tiefling Kimaxsis

(She has white hair cut in punk-style, piercings, tattoos, extra appendages, fit body)

She is aware of her demonic heritage/traumatic past. She strives for independence. She is assertive and confident and though a loner is capable of socializing. She is alert and has a lot of energy she is my powerhouse when I need to get something scary/daunting done. She is not very patient and detests personal weakness and excuses. She is the driven ambitious part of me. She is tough love and no-nonsense. She is the part of me that is good at training. She is a rebel and an individual and stands up for me when peer-pressure gets too much. She does not care what others think but is not randomly violent. She is feisty and has a sense of humor (that is also the easiest way to get her to like you is to be funny/sarcastic).

Kesai Mixed Demonic

(alarmingly voluptuous, thick curly black hair, fangs, red eyes, blue/grey skin.)

Kesai is the part of myself that is in denial about our past and our unsavory genetic heritage. She is interested in dreams and tarot and various forms of mysticism. She has not followed in the foot-steps of our parents and is the one who cut ties with our dad. She is flirtatious, sociable, and charismatic. She is also the more girly side of myself, the side that likes to have pretty things. Though not conventionally beautiful her personality makes her interesting. She is a mix of vulnerability, passion, strength, and anxiety. She has a touch of naughtiness but is essentially good. She is fearful of hurting other people if her powers get out. She is the part of me that my acupuncturist declared was a succubi.

Nikolai- Human

(dark red hair, green eyes, sometimes wears a black mask over his mouth)

Nikolai is an unusual case because he actually does not share my past. He was close to his father as a small child. His father was a quiet man but never harmed him. His mother was young and disinterested in family life. When he was 8 his dad was arrested for murder. His mom abandons him because of his similarities to his father. He is tormented much of his adolescence for being the son of a murderer. He is a self-destructive boy, who does not know how to feel about his parents. He is tormented and misunderstood and outright hated for things beyond his control. He is eccentric and likes games. Despite all this though he retains some sense of hope and humor that keeps him always on the edge of sanity, just managing to eek out an existence. He is very intense and his love is obsessive but it is love. He does not ask for much, almost nothing. He does not speak ill of others either despite all they have done to him.

Now you may wonder how he fits in with the others stemming from what seems a different past

The how is very painful but here goes

My mom was young, often absent, and emotionally distant.

My dad was in jail for a very long time when he was young for attempting to murder a man by setting fire to him, another man I believe he ran over. He also nearly beat his first wife to death. As a kid the police would sometimes come looking for him or stop him for various things that I never really did understand. Let us just say they kept an eye one him.

My dad could not pass as normal, he never fit into society, could not maintain employment, and people where scared of him wherever we went. In fact he outright repulsed everyone.

While my dad would beat an adult as soon as look at them he did not beat me, my mom was the physical enforcer of punishments. I think Nikolai might be the side that tried the hardest to understand my dad even though he never really succeeded. He was the part of me that learned to cope without a role model, without necessities like food and safety, without even basic human kindness. He learned to see the good in others, even when others could not see the good in him. He is also the one that got stuck caring for my dad and talked him down from harming others.



16 responses to “Oh Dear!

    • Thank you =) This was rather difficult to sort out because honestly there aren’t such specific boundaries in my moods that I would really be able to say I am another person. However, a fracturing of the psyche is very common in sexual abuse so I tried my best to explore all the aspects of myself.

      • I’ve never tried to do this–not sure I’d want to go there (I’ve had very little counseling for my abuse). I think you did a fine job of explaining it for readers.

    • I wasn’t ready for counseling for a long time and then it took time to find someone that I was willing/able to work with. I think it will take even more time to open up about everything. For some talking helps a lot but for me talking wasn’t enough I needed something more. I need the reintegration work. The PTSD has taken a huge physical toll on me and I need to figure out how to get my mind to stop terrorizing my body. My PTSD has resulted in hair loss, back deformity, joint misalignment, muscular pain and extreme tension, digestive issues, sleep paralysis, frequent illness, and even seizures. That is saying nothing about how I am 34 and have never had a real job, don’t have friends, and have trouble just going outside.

    • Thank you Björn It was a challenging exercise for sure. As I mentioned previously in sexual abuse particularly sexual abuse in early childhood there is often a fracturing of the psyche so I did my best to gather those shards up. I had to make them a little more concrete because it is necessary in order to be able to talk about them and my therapist asked me to describe them as best I could, even to draw them if possible. I am not really an artist so it is easier to write them.There is a lot I do not care to admit about myself but I think it shows the damage abuse can have on a mind too young to even comprehend what is happening.

  1. So amazing! While reading a few things came to mind. First I thought about how good your Therapist must be 🙂 then I thought about a lake (not sure why) and how the surface looks so pristine, calm while under the surface all kind of things take place. It can be murky or tranquil but we never see that part unless we dive right in. But then the best things about lakes is how the surface reflects the clouds and beautiful skies becoming an extension of heavens. You, like a lake also reflect beauty, intelligence, knowledge and creativity and it is what we see while under the surface life struggles. The imprints left by life experiences makes you who you are even if who you are is not clearly defined (or found). Very courageous, that you are. I greatly enjoyed reading this, thank you for sharing. 🙂

    • That is such a beautiful and compassionate thing to say, your comment has brought tears to my eyes Hector not tears of sadness but just the level of acceptance you have shown thank you. She is very good we use music, art, various relaxation techniques it’s not just talking. I can talk Hector let me tell you but I need a way to get my mind, body, soul back together and the more hands on methods work a lot better for me.

  2. The depth, courage, and beauty reflected in your discussion are such a treasure. Facing your suffering on your path to healing has given you incredible gifts. Thank you for your willingness to share these with others with such honest, heroic vulnerability.

  3. I have read this … after sending my last email to you – and well, this “explains” things to me in such greater depth and detail Yves.

    I wish I could offer more than words on a screen – to suggest, as I mentioned in my email – that yes, your story is far deeper and harder than mine …. but nonetheless … as I read this piece – so vulnerable and perhaps in some ways volatile as well … I can relate …. I “hear and feel” aspects of the personas, people, characters, aspects??? – I know not the correct words … and think “yes… this is a part of me too” – even if I wouldn’t describe it exactly like this. But yes, there is such a deep understanding … and honestly …. sadness …. because it is more than difficult to take all of the shards, fragments and pieces … even to admit them, own them firstly … and then to try to begin the process of untying the knots and strings …. separating them and then bring them together into a cohesive whole … and learning to understand “why” we are behaving and reacting in certain ways …. and then deciding “who” we are … without having any clue …. but still …. we try …. and the fact that you, in your need to search out your Truths … to offer yourself to someone who is going to try to help you … that in itself shows a valiant courage and the most beautiful of souls …. a soul and spirit that cries out for healing … and no matter how dark (and I suggest to you that you know what I mean by “dark”) refuses to give in ….

    I wouldn’t know how to define it or call it, but for me personally, if I use the words “Great Creator” – the mystical Universal Spirit – well … I would say that your curses are your blessings … and in some way your blessings are your curses …. but that there is a need … not only for yourself…. but for others … to know, hear, learn and understand the “truth” of the life experiences and lessons you have lived and live …. for there is great wisdom and beauty in how you gift the world … through your words … through your art … through all aspects of you being you … as you are ….. and perhaps, as you courageously continue your journey and healing recovery work … you will find the strongest voice and person that you are – the spirit that drives the passion and intensity and you will continue to bless the world with the most beautiful of your talents and gifts.

    It is often the most “damaged and broken” of people – and I mean absolutely NO disrespect by this – whether it be physically or emotionally or mentally – once again – NO disrespect intended – who have so much wisdom, truth, beauty, and ancient “knowledge” to offer the world …. and I honestly believe you are indeed, one such person Yves.

    Thank you for sharing …. what was clearly a very personal and deeply affecting piece of work – a part of you that found the strength and courage to offer yourself.

    Your strength is more than you know or feel at times. And I, for one, feel blessed and gifted by you and – as strange as this will sound – your words – and “you” – will always be “safe” with me.

    Love and hugs Yves xxx

    • I am not sure what to call them either because I explained in post and in the comments I don’t exactly become someone entirely different, it is far more ambiguous than that, a cluster of traits and sensations that are hard to really define. For as long as I can remember I have loved creating characters. I love those RPG games where you design characters and the Sims, my god how many characters I have conceived in a search for myself. So making them into characters made sense to me. I am telling you Planescape Torment could very well be my brain. I have seriously considered sending a copy to everyone I know and saying play this and everything will become clear. Hell I think it might even be a good idea for my therapist, you have no idea how hilarious it would be to see her play the game. It is nothing short of terrifying to be honest. I have an appointment tomorrow and depending how things go I may be presenting this to her. Not sure if I can get through every “one” in a session but I will be starting the process. I have characters which are definitely harder to talk about Mochai is hard because she represents so much of my weakness. There is so much I want to tell you but I am running out of steam lol I will respond to your email as soon as I can. Tomorrow is going to be a long and emotional day.

      I will say this Pat you are a strong woman (who I greatly admire by the way) and I am sure I don’t know the half of what you’ve been through but I am not surprised you can relate to the fractured ego. I look at other’s past and think they have had it so much worse too.

      I do not take offense, I mean I didn’t to what you said, I am not really easy to offend in any case and I do not know that I can be offended when a comment comes from a sincere place. Thank you for all your kind words, for your encouragement, and support. For your compassion, incomparable wit, and for that wonderful combo of feist, sarcasm, and stubbornness that you possess which I personally find awesome!

      • Lol … you have me smiling as I read the last words … as my cat is playing cuddle with me damnit because I’m right here – now – demanding attention. *snorting* Me? Stubborn? Nah!;)
        All the most enduring and charming of my traits 😄

        Actually Yves ….. don’t you be worrying one bit about responding to emails etc. I AM NOTORIOUSLY BAD at responding promptly …. unless it’s really urgent …. so …. honestly …. YOU take ALL the time you need …. I can wait ….. besides …. no one – certainly not me – demands anything of what can be offered by someone, at any given time …. so please don’t feel obligated to share or discuss more than you are ready or willing to. Not for my sake.

        I *get it*

        Always creating characters eh? Ooh … sounds a bit familiar to me … 😉 but it is what it is …. sometimes good and bad or somewhere in between …. as for me … seriously …. I’m on the “lesser end of the abuse scale” …. not that it really makes a difference from some points of view … but none the less – I can honour and respect ALL who have been victims – and who are survivors and working through their own personal journeys.

        So … since I’ve rambled far enough …. sending you light, energy, thoughts and prayers … with hugs and love …. and thinking of you …. you have strength in reserves within you Yves …. but remember ….. one step at a time …. no more no less …. and that is more than enough …..

      • I am so jealous, you have a cat! I love cats =) You must take pictures of this fabulous creature. Trust me Pat you have lots of charm =)

        Thank you for your incredibly kinds words (hugs)

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