Natalie Shau
I need to believe
That there is something
Inside still salvageable
Some overlooked heart fragment
Still red, ripe, and pumping
Some hint of the original
So that without
Too much embellishment
I can say
I am still myself,
At least the parts
Worthy of presentation.
I thought it was okay to die,
My right to step into the war
And come out again
A hero, in a discreet box
Adorned with some flag.
A picture of you perhaps?
(The one who murders
Has the right to confiscate
My body, having emptied
The suit for deployment)
I have thwarted evolution
My component fibers
Coarse as burlap
Settle in the gut
Like a mutiny
Of bewitched caterpillars
They chew the binding
Of all my diaries
That not a letter arrives
In the order of consignment
My self-improvement efforts
Are much too clinical,
They don’t leave much space
For living, only doing
And I’ve done enough
To earn the title of Sisyphus.
A visit to the anesthesiologist
Will keep me ostensibly numb
Numb as a glacier passing
From ship to ship,
An eviscerating tower
Unalterable in its contacts
The less we know
The more encompassing
The excuse
I live to pilfer
If you possess it
Why shouldn’t I?
And if I am you
Than I’ve no reason
To acknowledge my roots
Those obscene snares
Which remind me
Of the refuse
From which I rose
No I’d rather be you
That I can remain pristine
A Goddess, infallible,
Untouchable, reduced to ash
In the eyes of unscrupulous mortals
Yes I’d rather be death
In a human disguise
mindlovemisery 