Anton Semenov
Neither adieu nor surrogate
Just an absence
Like the breath
Between beatings
Without you
There is no cause
To remain and surely
I will not live to see
Your return if I wait
Somewhere behind
The white cross
I attach my wings
Hoping to find
Either retribution
Or resilience
But there is no proxy
That could soften
A mother’s despair
And I the source
At least in theory
There’s no deterring
Such thoughts
Once they’ve arisen
They grow voraciously
Between all the gaps
In my architecture
Once they have the heart
They’ll sprout thorns
Heavy as thumb prints
I am weak
And everyone
Treats me thus
Which is as infuriating
As the conditions
That beseech them
I do not like my selves
Eager as fireflies
Wanting to abhor
The crutch
The shoulder
The upright palm
But immobile
Without them
Loneliness is a sadist
She constructs doors
But keeps the keys hidden
Windows with black glass
And bricks behind them
I have tried to live
Without love
As necessity determined
That I should forever be
In estrangement
With relatives flickering
In the dark like specters
Never close enough
To exorcise or claim
*
I know I have told this story before but some of my reader’s might be new
When I was a child around 3 my mother left me with my Schizophrenic/alcoholic/abusive father. I do not know how long she was away only that she left the state. I managed to phone my grandmother (she lived somewhere behind the white cross aka a church). When my grandmother arrived she found me locked outside with no clothes on. I had tried to walk to her house but when I got to the church I didn’t know which way to go. Being both naked and alone I was afraid of someone catching me though I did have to cross a busy highway no one stopped.
mindlovemisery 