Hidden

letsbefriendsbyscatterhbq0

Do I cater to the tempestuous,

The saccharine need to disembowel?

Must I live in the gutter

In order to know

The profundity of heaven?

Too close and I fear I’d overlook

The divinity in the mundane

 

Repression has rendered me oblivious

Despite essay I am the same as I ever was

Still jealous, still competitive, still irritable

A blood red hexagram somersaulting

Between preservation and curse

 

Renovation seems to me now

A form of murder if I change anymore

I will be irreparably diminished

Blinded by my desire to disguise

That which is inherent in man

I will transgress in the dark

Assigning to each defect a proxy

*

When I was a child I was very competitive (not in the positive way) and very jealous. Over the years I have read countless self-improvement books and tested out countless methods to alleviate these unsatisfactory traits. I thought I’d made substantial headway as some of the problem behaviors had subsided but I recently learned that I still possess these traits in abundance. Only now they are manifesting in new less obvious ways. Which led me to believe my more recent relationship issues were related to other unidentified issues when they were in fact related to my jealousy/competitiveness. I wish I’d realized sooner the source but years of repression aka change and I am completely out of synch with myself. The last few days I have been very much in my head hence not being so available. The truth is I haven’t changed much over the years obviously I don’t react to situations quite the same way I did in childhood I have matured in some ways but I still harbor exactly the same feelings, many of the same thoughts, and more or less the same personality aside from a few natural preference changes (I like mushrooms now haha). I think self-improvement has more to do with self-hate than growth. I am not saying that at 33 it is okay to throw a tantrum whenever I don’t get my way but it is okay to feel whatever I am experiencing. It is okay to express myself as well. Many people who embark on self-improvement exercises (self-included) hope to get rid of unwanted traits and feelings but that is impossible. You are who you are. You can alter your responses but only if you are dead honest with yourself about who you are in the first place.

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14 responses to “Hidden

  1. You are an amazing woman, Yves!! I am currently reading Thoughts in Solitude by Thomas Merton. Yesterday I was reading about how we are all born with a temperment and it was up to us to learn to live as positively or best we could despite this. For me and my impatience or anger…can’t figure the chicken or egg thing but your post truly spoke to me…self-improvement books are fine but accepting self, forgiving self and learning to live with self is living…acknowledging and accepting our bright and dark side. You are a beautiful person…love this insightful poem and post. Big huggggs to you, Oliana xx

  2. The biggest help for me, I think, is that I more readily accept who I am (scary bits and all) but with a different voice inside my head saying, ‘Ok, this is you. Are you happy with how you feel about this?’ If I am then I go with it. If not I try to make a different choice that makes me feel I’m taking steps to address those parts of me I don’t necessarily like but exist. I suppose most of what changes is how we address who we are rather than change who we are. I think. But maybe not. I’m confused now.
    I love the way you expressed this in your poem. Better than I did up above! It’s a difficult one. To be who we are, to not feel diminished and filled with self-hate but, at the same time, to address what we don’t admire in ourselves.
    I’m going back to the voice in my head. She likes me enough to give me a swift kick up arse and a cuddle at the same time!
    Wonderful reflections, Yves. And now I’ll shut up. 😉 x

  3. i am a firm believer in the profoundness of the mundane…smiles.
    that last stanza though, on renovation (change) being a form of murder.
    wow. that is fresh and thought provoking.

  4. I like this piece too Yves, well there aren’t many that I don’t dislike. 🙂 I have to say though that the pic really creeps me out. probably the weirdest one you’ve put up yet. Not that weird is bad. This one though, hmmm.

    • The art is intense and grotesque I admit that it is not beautiful creep like much of what I post it is just creepy horrifying but as the poem is dealing with parts of ourselves we can’t stand to look at it seemed appropriate somehow

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