To fall into madness as I have done with arms akimbo and knees weathered to ash is not a state one achieves volitionally but a state that filters in by degrees. I did not think myself unfortunate but I have always been extraordinarily sensitive. I found myself reluctantly normal for a time, passable in my misery. My life became, without my occupancy, something utterly unrecognizable. I had no purpose only a sense that my strangeness would consume me. I was not raised to accept myself. We never are, society doesn’t accommodate individuality. Individuality is too spontaneous a course. I did not like what society was preaching so I expanded my inquiry.
I do not have all the answers but we as a collective have no need for questions. The philosophy is simple, the goals attainable, the support inestimable and ever present. I know that the souls I beseech will respond in kind. It’s such a simple thing really, the desire to belong. The presentation was exceptional. If you knew him, the way he awakened me, you would understand the imperative. The desire for intimacy, for communion. I could be forgiven. Remade. Annihilated. Satiated. Embraced. Inoculated. Such was the power of his voice and such was my desire.
I confess to you only my humanness for I suffer no intellectual infirmity, psychological state aside. Happiness has a universal appeal I thought I could be happy if equipped and meaningfully employed. I thought that with conviction I might free my mind its deafening vacillations. I think we possess a greater propensity and capacity for happiness as children. I wanted only to posses again such wonder. Does that make me broken? Perhaps but every heart has its fault lines.