caras-1Caras Ionut

This week’s prompt is immobilizing paranoia. Having Social Anxiety Disorder I am entirely too familiar with this state. It starts innocuously enough with me glamorizing an impending social event. I always imagine it going well with me having various opportunities to “impress” and/or “connect”. When my imagination takes a supernatural and/or heroic turn I try to ground myself with more realistic depictions. My rehearsals invariably take a negative turn where I envision vivid rejection scenarios. Hurt by the rejection I become angry. I haven’t even stepped foot outside my house and I am screaming and in tears. The person is obviously a monster who delights in torturing me! Why else would they invite me out only to reject and humiliate me?! It’s no wonder that after a few hours or days of this I become so terrified of the impending engagement that I cancel my plans altogether. This doesn’t just happen when meeting friends or potential friends. I get equally worked up at the prospect of meeting family and healthcare professionals. Even talking to my mom on Skype is an agonizing prospect as I imagine her asking questions I’d rather not answer (How much do you weigh? Is a question she seems to prioritize over How are you? Perhaps they are synonymous?). Though I am getting a little bit better at managing these self-defeating and offensive thoughts I still retain that sense of overwhelming anxiety (sometimes conversely I am socially engaging and confident but that is rare mode indeed haha). I associate this feeling with the fear of failure/rejection and I think most of can relate to that fear. I also think many of us have let a fear get the better of us. Substance abuse can also induce paranoia as can mental and physical illnesses. (8)


46 thoughts on “Prompt 44 Immobilizing Paronoia

    1. My mother obsesses about my weight too, although I’ve told her enough times that it’s not her concern that she’s given up on blatantly asking me about it. However, she tries to sneak it into the conversation if she can.
      I really am sick of society’s obsession with thinness. People need to live and let live.

  1. Wow, I’ve never seen anyone put into words exactly what I go through if I have to go anywhere. It doesn’t even have to be to a social event–it can be the store, the gym. Anywhere there are people, who I will perceive as seeing something very terrible about me. Did I say I don’t leave home much? Thanks so much for your open/honest account —

    1. I can relate to that I get quite worked up about going to the store and gym as well. Sometimes I will be hungry when out but be too nervous to make an order in a restaurant. That’s not always the case and usually I force myself to endure but sometimes the fear takes over and I find I just can’t do it. I don’t go out much either but the other day I was out as usual lost and I actually asked a stranger for direction I was so proud.

      1. That’s very cool. And the feeling of a person’s kindness when I’ve allowed it sometimes overwhelms me. When that happens, and I walk away without feeling judged (which is my own doing) I’m over the top with happiness and self-confidence. Why can’t it be like that all the time? It would sure simplify things, huh?

  2. If I have to go somewhere new, or to the doctor (yuk) I either try to start an argument or whinge and bleat in the car until we’re 5 kilometres from the house, then I’m okay. Strange.

    1. My anxiety over the doctor is horrendous. No matter how well I prepare I end up picking a fight with them, rambling uncontrollably, or completely mute/petrified I have a meeting today with a new Neurologist I’ve got a little sheet of paper with instructions for myself lets hope it does the trick lol

  3. Oh, how I hear your words and understand their meaning! It is fascinating and extremely scary at the same time what one’s mind is capable of.

    Be strong! What helped me from time to time was trying to block any thoughts whatsoever before going out. Trying to silence these little voices in my head and just to plunge into a discussion or a phone call with other people. Wish you all the best!

    1. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement =) I do my best to keep myself productive so I have less time to agonize unfortunately I get too focused on what I am doing and forget where I should be going lol

  4. I understand the feeling. I am that way about going out into crowds. Yves, I truly think you are wonderful and a lovely person. Personally, I think you will find that most people are NOT going to reject you. They are going to be mesmerized by your beauty and by your inner beauty. Please don’t cut yourself short. You have A LOT to offer this world.

    1. I read it wonderful entry, please feel free to share at prompt or to join prompt it is open to all and all prompts are open to interpretation, take all the creative liberties you like. I am not a stickler lol

  5. May you slay your dragons, dispel your demons, and learn not to listen to the negative voices. None are easy feats, I know, but you are much stronger than you realize. Just sharing your fears takes a great deal of courage.
    My world has been taken over by anxiety and overwhelmedness. So, I’m trying to pick up my sword and shield again to do battle.
    And, the story continues (but I think the chapters may not follow the linear). She has her monsters, too.

  6. Now where has my mind been all week that I did not see this prompt. Don’t ask? All over the place this past week. And even if late, I want to contemplate on this. I threw away my scale when my daughter was 9 as I overheard her and her little friend complaining about weight. that’s another subject…as for anxiety. Well, we never had a name for it as I was growing up. Insomnia due to the mind’s wheel turning all night was called worrying, caring. It was not until I turned 50 that I noticed my doctor had been prescribing me anti anxiety medication but telling me it was for my chronic pain. Projects, presentations, interviews…although I love them, they stress me. My last presentations, I had been anxious about getting too anxious and literally have to talk my way through it over and over….the paranoia is fixated on not being good enough, boring people and lately, being too old to keep their attention. The nights are the worse…sometimes I can’t wait for dawn to finally curl up and sleep a few hours before I have to get to work.

    1. You can still respond to this prompt they are never technically expired just respond to the most recent Mr. Linky. I could really punch your doctor in the face. Insomnia is so painful and I admit a lack of sleep causes me to lose it pretty fast. I can’t even stay up late without going a little off. Even job applications make me nervous everything about that whole process and being judged totally unsettling. You are never boring Oliana =)

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