Amnesiac (3 little poems)

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1

Poised at the left hand margin

I draw bolts of divergent flesh together

Praying that the stitches will hold

For there is a reality that stands

Perilously close to departure

2

There is a feral child cached

In the paper thin walls

Of my unreceptive womb

I do not know her name

But her screams echo now

As always within my heart

3

For an amnesiac

Writing what you know

Can be achieved only

Through immaculate conception

*

The best writers are often said to write from personal experience but what if you couldn’t remember the events or the people around which those experiences are molded? I suffer from various forms of Epilepsy induced amnesia. Unlike many writers I simply can’t sit down and recount my life in vivid detail. My memories from yesterday have the same vague dream like quality as those from childhood. I have heart and abstraction but lack the concrete details. Often I have to take my raw emotions and put them into fictional or semi fictional pieces because quite frankly I just can’t remember my life well enough. Writing has helped me to know myself. So rather than write what I know I write to discover.

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26 responses to “Amnesiac (3 little poems)

    • I have trouble remembering events from the recent past as well, forming new memories is a struggle because sleep is a big part of it and mine is disrupted continuously and the other element is attention but I spend so much time out of it because of seizures and then when I do learn something I have seizures that just erase it or erase enough that it doesn’t connect properly anymore

  1. I like how you say you write to discover.
    The poem is brilliant and chilling, I loved this part the best:”There is a feral child cached

    In the paper thin walls

    Of my unreceptive womb

    I do not know her name

    But her screams echo now

    As always within my heart”

  2. how interesting….i think that even those of us that do remembr write to discover in some way….even if we live it we dont always understand it…i wonder too if you question what it is you truly know…

  3. So astutely put. I love the first one. it describes so well the writing process trying to pin things together. It must be difficult to constantly lose memories. You describe the process of reinventing/recreating self so well. i wish you well. Your writing is rich. x

  4. Remembrance is selective I think. Personally, we fix our own flags to which we want to remember and what to discard. But sometimes, unwanted memories come by once in a while to haunt us when we need them.

    • I don’t just repress negative events, it can be anything from the neutral, to the beautiful. I can forget moments that were very special, moments I wished so much to hold onto. I forget things of interest, of importance, and just all sorts of things. My sleep is disrupted by seizures and sleep is important in processing, linking, and storing information. As I am exhausted during the day and having seizures besides I am not able to maintain my attention. When I am having auras (the premonition before a seizure which itself a small seizure) I can’t understand speech. So I have lots of holes in my day to day life and it makes it hard to connect scenes and conversations into something comprehensible. When you have seizures some of what you experience is literally erased. So I might have been talking with you normally appeared engaged, seize and then not recall the previous 10 minutes of conversation. I get lost in places I’ve been hundreds of times, places I love because I am unable to remember spatial cues that is topographic amnesia, sometimes I can’t even recognize my own home.

      • Yours is a complex condition I am not in a position to disagree with. You experience things I am unable to imagine if it occurs to me even for a day. I really hope and pray that you will be able to overcome every problems you have now so your life will get back to normal.
        When I was in fourth grade, I had also seizures. They said I was epileptic but after a few months, it disappeared completely. Difficult to describe what actually happened but I was glad my illness vanished without a clue. I was not taken to the doctor except several visits to a faith healer. I was given an ‘amulet’ to wear on my clothes so that evil spirits could not harm me. I still remember those moments as if they happened yesterday.
        I haven’t talked about this for years but I guess this is the right moment to speak of it.
        You will defeat your illness. I have faith in you.
        Blessings,
        belsbror

      • Thank you so much for sharing your story with me and I am relieved that you no longer have seizures. Seizures can go away on their own sometimes while doctors don’t have a cure sometimes the body heals itself. I am doing my best to take care of my body to facilitate natural healing. Even if I have this condition for the rest of my life I want to make the most of my life. I am considering acupuncture I am not sure if there are Shaman in Sweden.

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