Atypical

schizotypal_personality_disord_by_frishec-d3a524aby_frishec

There remains within me much that is unspoken

Swathed in superstition and self-loathing

A self that manifests in the absence of admission

*

I refuse to own these leathery wings

These wings which are not sired of heaven

But of red sulfurous earth

I will not offer my feathers to the sun

That I should be gifted them

Would be hope enough

*

I saw myself once in tempest

With my hair undone

And my eyes wild

With miscarried promises

*

I saw myself and decided

That she was unwelcome

I had more palatable excuses in mind

None of which need recognize

The depth of my delusions

*

I can’t sleep with the closet open

There is a portal within

Which both welcomes and expels

I can’t offer the wrong tea cup

Lest it contain some unseen poison

I must wish you a safe journey

Lest you never return

I must say I love you often

Lest you forget or worse die

With a less deserving message

I talk to myself no matter

Whose watching

And there is always someone

Watching

*

I cannot shake the belief

That pictures can see

So I turn them around with apology

Whenever I want to be alone

I cannot help but find coincidence

Suspicious and I am certain to find

Hidden meanings if I dismantle

Conversations under the disfiguring light

Of a predestined full moon

I know that I am not simply puzzled

Rather I cannot extract myself

From my mind and the obsessions

Which drive my heart out of sync

*

Sometimes I feel my soul free inside

As if my flesh were a yielding void

Into which I had posthumously retired

Sometimes I feel as if I were estranged

From my carcass and the dimension

In which life as I know it resides

Sometimes I feel unbalanced

A downward facing pendulum

Drifting from left to right

At an exasperating pace

And I know that I am

Not quite myself

No matter which way

I am positioned

*

(This is the part of myself I don’t like to talk about. I’ve been called a space cadet my whole life but it is rather worse than that I can’t seem to participate in this world or to remain in it long enough to do anything meaningful. I am very much in my head and if I didn’t live with someone, didn’t have that one attachment I would have likely ceased altogether. Even as I type this I feel my mind slipping and I can’t think what I mean to say. I talk out loud probably for fear that I will lose my thoughts I guess I think if I hear them out loud it might help me to remember them. Anyways I entertain whole conversations in my head I think I’ve had them in real life and leave it. Sometimes Sam finds out important information years later. Let me tell you that creates big misunderstandings and a lot of guilt sometimes. When I take meds they make me feel tired and more disconnected, feeling more disconnected then I already do is so damn terrifying I just snap completely hence my no med policy. Anti-anxiety meds I find to be the worst for making one feel unreal, so no matter how intense my anxiety I cannot take them.)

Advertisements

42 responses to “Atypical

  1. I won’t hit the like button as I can see how you are in pain with your words, this is very personal and powerful C, taking a lot to show us what goes on within you. I wish I had the answers for you, all I know is you are not to slip away into yourself. Perhaps trying to concentrate on some happy poetry? I know this may not be possible, but I would like to see you try. Hugs across the ocean, you will not cease, as long as we are here… Got that?! Take care hun, please. xx

    • Thank you so much Jenny for your kindness and compassion =) I often wonder about the like button too but I would never take it as you like my pain. Happy poetry is a little trickier not that I am never happy but when I am happy I tend to go out and well play/enjoy. I do sometimes write love poems looking over at hubbie inspires me. I just feel like there is a fog over me not necessarily heavy depressing fog more like an obscuring isolating fog I know part comes from Epilepsy but since I don’t have seizures and auras (warnings of seizures) all the time I wonder why it is that I am so out of synch so deeply embedded in my thoughts

  2. The perceptions we have of ourselves are often contrasting to those around us. Knowing a little about you Yves I can understand where you are coming from with poem. Our sense of self and our understanding of the person we are can often be the cause of much anxiety. though i am happy to see you are trying to live med free. All you can do in many ways is be you, that is who Sam and your daughter love, and trust them as they see you differently to how you do. I learnt that one long ago, and recently people’s perception of me was not mine. You sound so much like any one of a number of kids I have taught in recent years, all ‘space cadets’ but lovely at the same time. Hang in there.

      • Being aware of how you behave Yves is a good step in dealing with what you perceive the issue is. Most people aren’t aware of much at all. Sometimes it’s about being thankful for what you have despite knowing there is much that could be better. You are who you are. Remember your daughter is most important to you, how else will you find your way home from the shops?

      • haha she does have an amazing sense of direction. Isadora and Sam are everything to me I am immensely grateful for them it is myself that I struggle against really. I do have some plans to see a sleep specialist I have always had trouble sleeping I might feel more awake if I was getting a proper night’s sleep.

      • Yes that is a good idea, you need a good sleep. I take a small half tablet each night that allows to go back to sleep after I wake up which I do several times during the night. But no sleep is destructive as. It does play on our minds and interfere with life around us. So go see what can be done for you.

      • I’ve heard the appointment can take months maybe even 1 yr. The health care system is slow here. I asked my doctor to schedule the appointment but usually they forget to do so, you have to badger them for weeks. I can’t schedule my own appointment because it’s a specialist and there are weird rules about it. I will try but it won’t be quick. We can’t buy over the counter sleep aids here either. Bureaucracy really drives me mad. I have trouble falling asleep, seizures disrupt my sleep, I wake up frequently and can’t fall back asleep, and then I have a period of death sleep where all my vitals just plummet (I know I have many times had monitors on I sometimes have to sleep in EEGs and heart devices that they send home with me). I also have sleep paralysis.

  3. Another great piece of soul searching Yves. I see the like button as a sign that I’ve been, read and liked what I’ve read, not the pain or anguish. Maybe we could have a, I just dropped in and agree button. I may not always have something to say but the like is a sign that someone has seen it. Until they get that other button. πŸ™‚ As for sleep, you may laugh at this but my wife used to have trouble getting then staying asleep. Until I read that doing pelvic floor exercises in bed will make you sleep. I told her, she chuckled and did about a dozen. She slept all night and she does it all the time now. Anything is worth a try when you’re sleep deprived.
    Cheers
    Laurie.

  4. When I clicked the ‘like’ button ma’am, I did so because the content of your poetry was written, as always, to a very high standard. I wanted to clarify this because I didn’t want to seem sadistic.
    Your piece was tragically and emotionally powerful.
    Ma’am, I cannot begin to imagine how difficult your life must be, but your raw honesty is incredible, and so too is your strength, for you seem much stronger than you give yourself credit for.
    I wish you all the best. Take care!

  5. I think I am boring already with constantly telling you the poetry is awesome πŸ™‚
    I must agree with Helen that you are a very unique person and that your perception and way of thinking are often unwelcome or frowned upon because they are not understood. I can’t understand why society wants to accentuise that anything that is slightly different that what the majority is doing is unwanted.
    There is lots of people who care about you here at this internet corner caffee and would gladly chat with you all day! πŸ™‚

  6. We create the labels (chains) that hold a mind such as yours from full exposure. We all carry a little of the same inside but bind it to the edge of society for fear of being labeled (chained). I wish there was a place (other than our minds) where we could roam freely and be ourselves. Your poetry proves what a wonderful mind you have and extra-ordinary means more of the ordinary we have so much of it. Just be yourself- roam freely πŸ™‚

    • Thank you Hector for your lovely words and beautiful thoughts I do wish society was more open to individuality that we could foster a child’s creativity and not crush their spirits as so often happens

  7. Some gifts are harder to live with than others. You were gifted with the ability to view things in a way no one else can see. I would like to claim that I understand what you are seeing but that would be a lie. My only understanding is that I too see things that no one else sees. Painful scary dark things, but also at times happy albeit twisted happy things. All I can say is I’m thankful for poetry, It’s saved my life more times than I care to count. Your’s too I suspect. I see you’ve gone through another one, just now. Great pic btw. I’d like to use it for one of mine. All Love to you!

    • Thank you so much. Poetry has certainly saved me and seeing the world differently is not a such a bad thing at all. I mean it creates some issues as you know but I would rather be myself when it comes right down to it. I just wish myself was a little more in the moment, a little more responsible, I just don’t even notice some things that I should notice. I can completely delete things from the scenery so completely I see through them (freaks Sam out when I read through people, some dude will be totally blocking a sign I will omit the dude and read the sign), other times I notice tiny minutiae no one else does. Feel free to the name underneath is the person to credit.

  8. That dude blocking the sign . . . totally superfluous! You take the clues available and reconstruct in spite of his imposing physical presence (the dude) No sense making a big deal out of it,.Right!
    I envy you your Sam. He appreciates your gift by freaking out. Take his reaction as a compliment. And you have children . . they must be lovely. (I wish too)
    People here call you Yves . . . greetings Yves! We connected before when you first started your blog but I couldn’t keep up with your prompts and I sort of dropped out. Anyway I’ve had my own challenges so I hope you didn’t feel slighted. I thought and still think your work is (and you are) amazingly beautiful.

    • I am not aware of the dude at all just the sign it is pretty funny though when people think you have x-ray vision lol I have one daughter yes and she is 6. Greetings to you too your name is Hank yes? I am not offended you are welcome to join the prompts whenever you like and you can even go back if a previous one strikes your fancy but if you choose not to participate that’s fine too. Awww thank you that is incredibly sweet your poetry is amazing =)

  9. I am not Hank. His pen name is kaykuala. I have only ever used my pen name Stormcat here and in public because I cannot let my personal career limit my poetry. Sometimes I say words like “fucking” in my poems and people in my world can be very judgmental for doing something like that.

  10. Im certain you score very highly on the introverted scale. That is part of your personality and I can definitely relate to all of this as I am disconnected often from those around me as well. But my inner life is rich and I am never bored, a gift of sorts.

  11. wow…what a piece….def tight with emotion…and the rhythm right from the front is engaging…the whole wings stanza really gripped me and set this up nicely…seeing yourself and considering unwelcome wrung heavy….

    meds are hard…i used to monitor meds for hte kids i worked with and some were so overmedicated…i worked to help them get off most of them….

    • Meds are hard and they always put me on a very low dose but it doesn’t seem to help. I can take just one aspirin and be dopey all day. While a magic pill would be nice I don’t trust psychotropics

      Thank you so much Brian

  12. I kinda resent having to take meds to be honest with you. They leave my head feeling a little clearer, sure, but I’m also left feeling a little fuzzy so that all I want to do is sleep. That makes no sense, does it? No sense at all.

    Thanks for this. And you were right on the money with:

    “I must say I love you often

    Lest you forget or worse die

    With a less deserving message

    I talk to myself no matter

    Whose watching

    And there is always someone

    Watching”

    Don’t ask me why I think this. You just are. :p

    • Thanks Tony! I wish I could find a medication that could cut through this molasses thick brain fog. Adderall probably did the best job unfortunately is took my resting pulse from a serene 55 bpm up to a 112 bpm. I didn’t feel hyper like bouncing off the walls or anything but with my heart racing I felt anxious and the doctor thought it unsafe.

      • Yeesh! That’s pretty full on. I don’t think I’d like my heart rate that high either. Thankfully, I don’t seem to have suffered any ill effects from my meds so far, although I do feel a strange knot of restlessness in my chest every so often. I still don’t know whether that’s just me or the meds though. I’d better get that looked into.

        From what I’m reading here in the comments, you’ve got a few horror stories with meds to tell. I’m hoping that kind of stuff doesn’t happen to me.

      • I hope your meds continue to work well for you and that your health isn’t negatively effected. If there was a pill that would work for me that would be fabulous especially if I could get these seizures under control. Do get it looked into though just encase

  13. As always, this was amazing….and as always, you are in my prayers. I wish life was not such a struggle for you, but I do see beauty there, too! Sending hugs!!

  14. I could quite literally quote the whole poem – every line resonates and stirs my own feelings and thoughts (as so many of your poems do).
    As for your struggle – feel for you and am amazed by your strength. You are such an inspiration and your words are pure magic xoxo

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s