by_frishec
There remains within me much that is unspoken
Swathed in superstition and self-loathing
A self that manifests in the absence of admission
*
I refuse to own these leathery wings
These wings which are not sired of heaven
But of red sulfurous earth
I will not offer my feathers to the sun
That I should be gifted them
Would be hope enough
*
I saw myself once in tempest
With my hair undone
And my eyes wild
With miscarried promises
*
I saw myself and decided
That she was unwelcome
I had more palatable excuses in mind
None of which need recognize
The depth of my delusions
*
I can’t sleep with the closet open
There is a portal within
Which both welcomes and expels
I can’t offer the wrong tea cup
Lest it contain some unseen poison
I must wish you a safe journey
Lest you never return
I must say I love you often
Lest you forget or worse die
With a less deserving message
I talk to myself no matter
Whose watching
And there is always someone
Watching
*
I cannot shake the belief
That pictures can see
So I turn them around with apology
Whenever I want to be alone
I cannot help but find coincidence
Suspicious and I am certain to find
Hidden meanings if I dismantle
Conversations under the disfiguring light
Of a predestined full moon
I know that I am not simply puzzled
Rather I cannot extract myself
From my mind and the obsessions
Which drive my heart out of sync
*
Sometimes I feel my soul free inside
As if my flesh were a yielding void
Into which I had posthumously retired
Sometimes I feel as if I were estranged
From my carcass and the dimension
In which life as I know it resides
Sometimes I feel unbalanced
A downward facing pendulum
Drifting from left to right
At an exasperating pace
And I know that I am
Not quite myself
No matter which way
I am positioned
*
(This is the part of myself I don’t like to talk about. I’ve been called a space cadet my whole life but it is rather worse than that I can’t seem to participate in this world or to remain in it long enough to do anything meaningful. I am very much in my head and if I didn’t live with someone, didn’t have that one attachment I would have likely ceased altogether. Even as I type this I feel my mind slipping and I can’t think what I mean to say. I talk out loud probably for fear that I will lose my thoughts I guess I think if I hear them out loud it might help me to remember them. Anyways I entertain whole conversations in my head I think I’ve had them in real life and leave it. Sometimes Sam finds out important information years later. Let me tell you that creates big misunderstandings and a lot of guilt sometimes. When I take meds they make me feel tired and more disconnected, feeling more disconnected then I already do is so damn terrifying I just snap completely hence my no med policy. Anti-anxiety meds I find to be the worst for making one feel unreal, so no matter how intense my anxiety I cannot take them.)
mindlovemisery 