There remains within me much that is unspoken

Swathed in superstition and self-loathing

A self that manifests in the absence of admission


I refuse to own these leathery wings

These wings which are not sired of heaven

But of red sulfurous earth

I will not offer my feathers to the sun

That I should be gifted them

Would be hope enough


I saw myself once in tempest

With my hair undone

And my eyes wild

With miscarried promises


I saw myself and decided

That she was unwelcome

I had more palatable excuses in mind

None of which need recognize

The depth of my delusions


I can’t sleep with the closet open

There is a portal within

Which both welcomes and expels

I can’t offer the wrong tea cup

Lest it contain some unseen poison

I must wish you a safe journey

Lest you never return

I must say I love you often

Lest you forget or worse die

With a less deserving message

I talk to myself no matter

Whose watching

And there is always someone



I cannot shake the belief

That pictures can see

So I turn them around with apology

Whenever I want to be alone

I cannot help but find coincidence

Suspicious and I am certain to find

Hidden meanings if I dismantle

Conversations under the disfiguring light

Of a predestined full moon

I know that I am not simply puzzled

Rather I cannot extract myself

From my mind and the obsessions

Which drive my heart out of sync


Sometimes I feel my soul free inside

As if my flesh were a yielding void

Into which I had posthumously retired

Sometimes I feel as if I were estranged

From my carcass and the dimension

In which life as I know it resides

Sometimes I feel unbalanced

A downward facing pendulum

Drifting from left to right

At an exasperating pace

And I know that I am

Not quite myself

No matter which way

I am positioned


(This is the part of myself I don’t like to talk about. I’ve been called a space cadet my whole life but it is rather worse than that I can’t seem to participate in this world or to remain in it long enough to do anything meaningful. I am very much in my head and if I didn’t live with someone, didn’t have that one attachment I would have likely ceased altogether. Even as I type this I feel my mind slipping and I can’t think what I mean to say. I talk out loud probably for fear that I will lose my thoughts I guess I think if I hear them out loud it might help me to remember them. Anyways I entertain whole conversations in my head I think I’ve had them in real life and leave it. Sometimes Sam finds out important information years later. Let me tell you that creates big misunderstandings and a lot of guilt sometimes. When I take meds they make me feel tired and more disconnected, feeling more disconnected then I already do is so damn terrifying I just snap completely hence my no med policy. Anti-anxiety meds I find to be the worst for making one feel unreal, so no matter how intense my anxiety I cannot take them.)