The hardest compliments
To swallow
Are those that threaten
A negative self-construct
I endured on the assumption
That I was the incendiary
Because no one wants
To be truly, unalterably
A victim
*
I didn’t want
To be innocent
Because to grieve
Such a death
To grieve
The potentiality
Of a heaven
To which
The now absent key
Can no longer
Release
Is unbearable
*
Even in retrospect
Swallowed by shame
I couldn’t face
The irretrievable loss
Of an archetype
The threat
Of violence
Against which I
Could not stand
But must somehow
Stomach if to live
I could stop
Those crimes
Which in ignorance
Or sickness
I let come to pass
But the one thing
I couldn’t bare
Was being guiltless
In an unjust world
How would I survive?
=
This might make sense only to me but I was afraid of being weak, of being powerless, of being helpless, of having no control, I could change my actions, I could change myself but no one else and if I wasn’t doing anything wrong then there was nothing I could do to change the situation. At that time I had to think I could do something, anything that I had some small measure of power.
mindlovemisery 