I spill through you, in the echoes of interstellar space

Yearning for a dream unbroken, a dream adamantine in

The presence of our murderous hesitations. Will we ever

Be more than defeat? I remind you of the absences, of

The silences that precede war and in this world I have

Never hated anyone more than myself, unforgivable

These hands that do not reach when gripped in uncertain

Prayer, disheartened this necessitous mouth that shrugs

On inquiry, language soluble in saliva. I have failed you,

Myself mostly, when did therapy go from aphrodisiac

To anesthesia? When did Depression become the focus,

The destination to which we are unwittingly conveyed?


I watch as you divide hope, discarding the amphetamines

Valium over tea, lets be calm and simple, let’s not struggle

Or fight, let the constellations purr fluorescent blue, forget

The sun with its howling perversions. My blood seethes, I

Have a poet’s proclivities for extremes, for rusty red anarchy

But my mind, she sleeps, falls through the crevices of a life

Carved out by instincts. I am too superstitious, too defensive

To believe in any logic that a fiend would conceive. I am not

Hominal despite the application of crushing grievances, I wear

Your skin, my own crystallized with prenatal violence, came to

Feel nothing. I wear your smile freshly pressed against my own

And your vitriolic tears, ink, for a soul incomprehensible

You who have taught me compassion would now bid us sleep


The greatest tragedy of all is believing that balance is ever

Achieved, there is nothing passive about contentment, it

Comes from labor, if we never move, will we as stone

Erode? Will our oppressed organs weep? Have we not to find

Just the right amount of uncomfortable in order that we should

Wake? Isn’t that what you taught me when I ceased animation?

I don’t want to belong to the machinations of a convention made

Ego-structure. Let us survive with our honest hands in motion inside

A reality that we as individuals can singularly perceive


I have suffered from Depression most if not all of my life, the same goes for my husband, family, and a good percentage of the people that I know.  For a long time I coudn’t tell a Depressed thought/rationalization from the truth, those dark thoughts became reality and I was extremely insecure, paranoid, delusional but I am getting better about not imposing my skewed thoughts and emotions onto others (still Depressed though). Right now my husband is struggling with this he hates himself so much it is inconceivable to him that I (or anyone) could love him. As you know Depression causes people to bury themselves, it is a slow aggravated suicide. Right now everything is so much about survival, day to day, learning how to balance actively. We are scared to hurt each other so sometimes we clam up. I think of myself as a tiefling at least metaphorically haha.

I wrote this in response to ClownPonder’s challenge



14 thoughts on “Flourescent Blue

  1. Powerful words as ever, so sad they come from such pain – yours and your husband’s, and that also of the friends you mention. Hopefully your creativity gives it a voice and therefore some relief… 🙂

  2. there is nothing passive about contentment, it
    Comes from labor, if we never move, will we as stone
    Erode…some power lines there for me…i hope that your husband walks through it…a hard place of being thre in the shadow od depression….

    1. I love that man like crazy I will always be right here loving him and routing for him =) The lines you mentioned I am so guilty of looking for comfort and not putting in the effort

  3. What a heartbreakingly beautiful post. I understand how insidious depression can be and how it turns everything grey, slowly leeching color and joy from your world. My heart aches for you and your husband, and I hope he can realize that every moment is a new opportunity, a chance to make different choices and remake oneself.

    1. He is such a good guy even now when he is like this he doesn’t think twice about helping someone else, he is so generous but he is horrible to himself. It is such a useless feeling watching someone you love suffer and you can’t soothe their pain

  4. Amazing artwork and story. The strong description took me into powerful thoughts and tale. Thank you. Hard to balance a life. All we can do is the best we can.

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