Day 9 Bad Habits

I am an extraordinarily difficult person to live with of that I have no doubt. I have Epilepsy and aside from seizures (which can be scary) I have severe memory problems. This means that I have to be told the same thing over and over again with little to no guarantee of later recollection. I can have a heated argument where crucial/life-changing matters are discussed and within days be completely unable to recall not just the details but the event itself. This means that for me learning new things and acquiring new memories is very difficult. I feel lost, disconnected and often incredibly anxious knowing that at any moment a loved one might walk away completely exhausted and never look back. Epilepsy also effects my ability to obtain work and live independently. I rely on others too much and can’t provide an equal measure of support though I try to be supportive in all the ways I can. I repeat myself a lot because I forget what I have said! I also misplace items for example just the other day I attempted to stock the fridge with fresh laundry and I put the hotdogs in the bread basket where they remained until today when I went to make my daughter a sandwich.

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I am an extremist by nature which means I have trouble with balance. I am either full on or turned off. When I am having a good day without many seizures I tend to be very energetic/ambitious and to push myself very very hard, trying to squeeze every last second of life out. This probably results in an increase in seizures later but I just can’t bare to think of losing those few precious moments where I am actually in the world and actually have the power to change and do something different.

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I have very low self-confidence which isn’t a habit but complaining and sulking is certainly not a very attractive part of my nature (usually I just grumble to myself its mostly frustration of my inadequacy). That coupled with crippling social anxiety and I can be afraid to try things. I am absolutely petrified of losing cognitive functioning so I tend to train myself excessively in certain areas. This might seem unnecessary but truth is a few days without training at a skill and its substantially diminished. I lose everything so quickly. Unfortunately new things are just not sticking at all so I hold onto the old things for dear life.

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I eat too much, way too much its not just that I am an emotional eater (obviously), its also that I get hungry instead of thirsty and that my appetite is really really high. Hunger hurts, it makes me feel positively desperate and panicked. I try and keep fit by choosing better foods and exercising a lot but I would love to just to have a normal-sized appetite.

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I am grumpy its hard for me focus so when I finally get in the productive zone I get very agitated when someone wants my attention. I do not switch well between tasks.

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I am easily overwhelmed and frustrated. Even a simple trip to the grocery store can leave me exhausted or in tears, its too much stimulation and I do not know how to filter out without cutting off. I actually fall asleep during social events its less embarrassing than the alternative which is seizing or walking around talking/laughing to myself and making bizarre gestures. Its also less scary to others and for me because being crowded by people asking you “What’s wrong?” doesn’t help.

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I realize I have more traits than habits

Habit-wise I am addicted to sugar which is my non healthy add on to an otherwise good diet, my  meals are good my snacks sometimes aren’t

I talk too much

I run away from people in public, impromptu social meeting scare me to death

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