Underneath your

Venous, satin-lined

Tongue my unused

Voice indurates, like

A dragonfly fused

In amber



My Judas will aligns

To your misogynistic

Constructs as if

Through adhesion

I could alter your




My spinal column,

As an aqueduct,

Carries water from

The amnesiac waters

Of the river Styx.

In my eyes you are

Continuously reborn

In my eyes, I have

Always been the

Guilty one



You are anhedonic

Like a scarecrow

Imposing shadows

On a xanthic field

It’s not your words

So much as the

Orientation of your

Threats, left-sided


Every morning I wake

Up hysterical knowing

That your straw hands

Have molded around

My heart, knowing

That your 6 foot

Shadow is my grave



There are moments when I

Can’t recognize my hands

Bilious doves tucked into

The pockets of a winter

Jacket worn year round


Rarely inspired to labor

These fists full of dirty

Feathers and windless

Dreams have through

Negligence crumbled


(Last night I had a nightmare that my husband and I were driving a long stretch of highway flanked by fallow fields. In the fields there were all these brightly colored doors, a few of them were partially opened but with no visible light between the cracks just darkness. My husband couldn’t see them and though I was in the car, in my mind they seemed to get closer and closer. I don’t know if they represented unreality or death. Lately before a seizure I am seeing birds sometimes like black crows and last night some bizarre golden bird, everything is so surreal at the moment and I am really exhausted.)


40 thoughts on “Codependency Snippets

  1. Wonderful poem as always, but I was also struck by your dreams/seizure visions.

    In the end one must rely on oneself for dream interpretation, but for what it’s worth, the doors sound like opportunity and the unknown to me – maybe some suspicion with that too, that things that look brightly coloured might hide darkness in reality. Birds are usually messengers or psychopomps, particularly black birds..a golden bird sounds alchemical, a bit like the concept of a phoenix. something blazing and bright arising from the ashes. Anyway, I’d take it that there are many bright opportunities for you but there is also a fear they may turn out to be harbingers of something else. Fear, of course, is just fear, unless you dream prophetically?? 🙂 🙂

    1. Sometimes I do, especially with death unfortunately maybe why the birds I hope its not a sign of some sort. I have had so many dreams where I am crossing people over to the other side. I have seen the after life many times now and though I was scared they didn’t seem to go there but somewhere else. It was pretty freaky there was no one else in the world it seemed by my husband and I, until we got to a gas station and there was a man behind the counter but I can’t remember him and there was a door there too and some freaky old games

      1. Fascinating dream. If you dream often of helping people pass I would take the black bird as a raven, and that it is one of your guides or totems – nothing to fear, more an indication of a spiritual calling. If the golden bird is also a totem or guide that’s pretty auspicious I would think.

        I wouldn’t think the doors are to the afterlife…I think the colour then the darkness is about the unknown…in tarot it would be like getting the blank card, the card where the future is still formless, full of possibility. It’s usually significant, but mysterious.

        But in the end dream interpretation must feel right to the dreamer, so take or leave these thoughts. 🙂

      2. Helen I am going to have to have you translate all my dreams lol I used to have extremely lucid dreams where you really enter the dream (feel the sense of being in your body right there) and alter it at will like changing a television channel. Since I have been so tired I am only remember little pieces of them now. I remembered this one though. I have a few old dreams I have never forgotten.

      1. Cool, sounds like a very interesting dream indeed!! 🙂 I think dreams are very significant, particularly highly symbolic ones like that one. You seem to be tapping into some pretty ancient spiritual knowledge systems with it. Really interesting. 🙂

  2. Haunting. Lovely, dark, and fantastic imagery. I do hope you feel better and you can map your dreams/visions to understand what they mean or what they are trying to tell you.

      1. That’s great! Sometimes an “outside view” can really help. Your vivid descriptions and detail I’m sure helped as well.

  3. nice…really like the scarecrow one…and in that the second half…the duality of it….maybe much like your dream of the crows and the golden bird…i wish you som rest and that all be made clear for you soon enough…

  4. I love the idea that your voice is underneath someone else’s tongue.

    “My Judas-will” … That’s a great phrase. I also like this:

    “as if
    Through adhesion
    I could alter your

    And your repetition of the “in … eyes” phrase, ending in this:

    “In my eyes, I have
    Always been the
    Guilty one”

    “anhedonic” … What a great word!

    “Its not your words
    So much as the
    Orientation of your
    Threats, left-sided” … Love this. But “It’s” should have an apostrophe.

    “Every morning I wake
    Up hysterical knowing
    That your straw hands
    Have molded around
    My heart, knowing
    That your 6 foot
    Shadow is my grave”

    “There are moments when I
    Can’t recognize my hands …
    These fists full of dirty”

    “Dreams have through
    Negligence crumpled” … Love the ending, but I’d change “crumpled” to “crumbled.”

    Excellent work.

  5. Your writing is BRILLIANT. You are very talented. I was especially struck by the “hands like doves” that you put in your pockets. But there are just so many great images and lines and a fantastic use of language. For example, “fists full of dirty feathers and windless dreams.” Wowzers! I can hear the exhaustion of your struggle in the comments below the poem. Try to rest, let the worries fly away like those doves, and keep in mind that better days are coming. They always do.

  6. The picture you chose does have a nightmarish quality. i love how each poem is a separate entity, but they have cohesion through the bleak imagery and tone. these lines grabbed my attention, but there is so much more to take from your work than a few repeated lines.

    It’s not your words

    So much as the

    Orientation of your

    Threats, left-sided

  7. Hi Girl ~~ The most soothing (?? – or not so threatening) item here is the stiffl legged spider-like scarecrow picture.

    The poem is rather disturbing. I have been trying to figure out if it mirrors your dreams or if because of the dreams you are able to write of this rude behavior. Am I right that it is inter-spousal?

    You might for you dreams that may be associated with your seizures a book that I used for a bit. It was how to interpret dreams. I started to do this tongue-in-cheek style but didnt get many volunteers. The book:
    “The Watkins dictionary of Dreams” by Mario Reading

    London : Watkins, 2007.
    Subjects · Dream interpretation — Dictionaries
    · Dreams — Dictionaries
    Description: 447 p. ; 20 cm.

    Notes: The ultimate resource for dreamers with over 3,000 entries and 15,000 cross-references.

    ISBN: 9781842931455 (pbk.)
    1842931458 (pbk.)

    My blog post about using the book:

  8. If I’m reading correctly, your last one is a dream. But the previous ones are so intense in fear of your husband? Am afraid for you. I have a headache so maybe not reading correctly. Deep writing and wishing you safety.

  9. Every morning I wake
    Up hysterical knowing
    That your straw hands
    Have molded around
    My heart

    That feeling of being protected and taken care of is true in many instances. It makes love trusting in value. Nicely Ma’am!


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