Alien

Scary_Eyes_Wallpapers_27

Silent

My hands claw through layers of personas,

Whisper-thin my unclothed voice shies away

**********

Disowned

Whatever the world touches ceases to

Belong and can no longer be assimilated into

My concept of self

**********

Echopractic

Many nights I walk away from you Echopractic in

The assumption of a foreign rhythm, unable to

Dislodge your ego from my limbs

**********

Mimic

As a child I was an incredible mimic,

I borrowed my voice from a Hollywood

Actress as my own lacked inflection

That voice is my greatest defense

And my greatest  liability

**********

Blind

When I was an infant I was mistaken

For blind because my eyes kept

Side-stepping reality

**********

Vertigo

When I am forced to look into other people’s

Eyes they appear upside down and too high up

Simultaneously its the same kind of vertigo

One gets when looking into fun house mirrors

**********

Expression

I have learned the basic expressions just not

The timing for their application. Enthusiasm

Is the worst,  my ribs are scarlet from the applause

Of a vigorous pulse but you would never know

Because on the outside I’m completely drained

Of color and cadaverously silent

**********

Awkward

My mouth, as a butterfly,  gets

Pinned up behind my ears

Whenever artifice is disarmed

Like the involuntary twitch of

Dead flesh coerced through

Electricity

**********

Withdrawn

Months go by with my eyes

Tucked safely in the pockets

Of down-cast lids, withdrawn

Semi-comatose I adhere to the

Prosaic, to the conscientious

Repetition of self-soothing

Patterns

**********

Telephone 

Every time the phone rings death slips

From my footsteps into my shoes and

I turn white as a 100 watt bulb, its

As if my soul were shaken free

And then hooked to the outside

**********

Intense

Life for me is that moment

When a human transforms

Into a vampire and every

Sense is simultaneously

Switched on and at critical

Capacity, agony and pleasure

Rush in at the same moment

Its impossible to tell if I am

Dying or having an orgasm

Its not a matter of feeling

Too little but too much

=

(Right now I am re-reading “Somebody Somewhere” by Donna Williams its the 2nd book in here autobiography, the first “Nobody Nowhere” I unfortunately don’t own =( Donna is Autistic and I remember reading her biography in high school helped me to understand myself better. These little snippets are all related to myself. I chose this photo because its so jarring and difficult to look at even though its not ugly. I am a lot more self-conscious about sharing this one.)

28 responses to “Alien

  1. This is simply amazing….it has that eerie dissociative feel to it that makes you feel you are glimpsing into a new world..just wonderful and a bit dread and fearful at the same time! 🙂

    • Thank you Bruce! It was Sally Field’s voice I first used but in 6th grade we were watching a movie that she was in and the kids were like Candice you sound exactly like her and I became the center of attention, they wanted me to say her lines blah blah, so I had to switch it up after that so a more covert voice. I actually only hear my natural voice when I sing and is so robotic I can’t stand it. Are you are good mimic Bruce?

      • I have this habit of trying to match Steve Earle or johnny cash’s voice when I but some tracks on, so generally yes I don’t take singing seriously so I mess around trying to match there voices.

  2. dang…these are so evocative….the disowned one is striking…the butterfly mouth pinned behind the ears…snap….the last one, breath taking…seriously, wish i could write more but my silence is as honest as your verse….

    noticed the autism/aspie tag…are you?

    • Wow Brian thank you, your beautiful compliments have left me speechless!

      I was originally diagnosed with SEVERE ADD at Duke University (I was participating in a study) and they did recommend me to a specialist for PDD but I could not afford an appointment. Later a teacher set me up to met a colleague specialist and she said that I had a diagnosable amount of symptoms but because I did not have the distinctive voice, which she felt was 100% necessary for diagnosis she thought it impossible. When I sing I do have the flat monotone but for speaking I have since childhood used borrowed voices. She suggested I might have some type Sensory Disintegration Disorder but it was only one meeting so she couldn’t diagnose me. In school my mom did a checklist for me as well and she scored me the highest in the Autistic/Asperger category and once after my aunt took a Psychology class she dumped tons of Asperger info on my mom. I don’t really know to tell you the truth maybe, what is undeniable is that I have always had social problems. As a kid I had few friends (one at a time) but when I did play I would make up a game/story beforehand write it down and force the poor person to listen to an explanation that was an 1 hour long before we could play, which I think qualities as odd at least

      • what a familiar story….i worked with a kid that was severe ADD and ODD….until he finally was diagnosed aspie…love that kid, it was a lot of work though getting the school to recognize the diagnosis change…and to get the mom to understand how to handle him…

  3. The opening, Silent, is a really nice couplet. Subtle and precise. Some other quality stuff too, but that’s my favourite.

  4. Wow! This is a fantastic rendering of the fractals of the psyche! What a picture they present when combined. I make no claim to fully understand them all, but the images are cleverly worded and clear. Having once been married to a bi-polar, manic-depressive, I often thought she viewed herself in a similar way; that is as an assemblage of fractured pieces refusing synthesis into a whole. I am stating only that this is an outstanding portrayal, not any manner of reflection on the author. I like this piece alot!

  5. very intense…naturally I found Vertigo the most interesting…no one stood still long enough for me to see anything but a blur…almost all gone but I feel like I’m on a cheap drunk.
    this one kept me on the edge of reality the whole way or maybe the edge of abyss hoping I wouldn’t fall in.

  6. So much I recognise here Candice as myself as a child – introverted shy and with few friends. I became a mimic too – became whoever someone needed me to be – still am (and do) to a lesser degree.

    In my early twenties the need arose to stand up and be counted, step forward from my safe but lonely corner – I needed to protect my first son from psychiatric labelling when he was only three.

    And so I became the me I am today…

    Anna :o]

    • I am so glad to hear you are in a better place now Anna =) I hope I can get out of my chronic state of disconnected anti-reality, doesn’t help that I have seizures, I feel like I am just always in a stupor

  7. Sorry if my comment turns up twice! Can’t remember the first (if it exists) version exactly, but I think I said your poetry is evocative and soul-touching.

  8. This is terrifyingly real. I can’t imagine what you must go through. Your descriptions are horrifyingly beautiful, if that makes any sense!

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