Heart Beat

We met in school

Joined by a certain

Spiritual telepathy

An instantaneous connection

After a while nothing made sense

If not directly related

To her, she was my

Quintessential without her

I was just a haunted

Suit of armor, I owed

Her everything and that’s

Exactly what she took from me


I grew around her until

We became indistinguishable

She borrowed my voice

Used it to incarcerate

And incriminate me

She was acquired, embedded

As any habit, without her

There was no me, at least

Not me in the fundamental sense

I didn’t lose my identity to her though

I created myself in accordance

With her stated ideals


I sold my soul to her

She used it to keep warm

In the winter, in the summer

She put it in a box in the attic

And sealed it shut with duck tape

I was a cure for loneliness

A mannequin in a store window

She could dress me up in any role

(Sometimes I was even her boyfriend)

But ultimately I wasn’t human

Just a lifelike construct

Conveniently disposable


She really knew how to punish me

It was simple really just disconnect

The life support, my umbilical cord

Let me to starve and whither

My suffering became entertainment

For her and her other friends

They pointed me out to

Each other in the hallway

Spoke in mock whispers

And laughed, I’m ashamed

To say it was years before

I understood that I was the joke


I know pain, it is a sick bird

Convulsing by the water bowl,

Unable to regulate its writhing neck

So it can take a drink; the real tragedy

Is not that it can’t it’s that even if it

Could it would drown shortly after

Pain being a struggle in futility

Survival instincts, quicksand

And death unavoidable


Had she ever returned my love

I would’ve choked to

Death it was too soon

For me, my childhood

Had acclimated me well

To starvation, nourishment

Came to be poison, an

All systems shut down scenario

I was alive because of her negligence


We didn’t last, not forever as I hoped

I left one morning, destroyed

She’d been gone a long time by then

We were only passing each other

At that point. She never really forgave

Me for being the one to end it, it

Had always been her intention to keep

The upper hand, to remain superior


Her absence was deafening

I was comforted by her

Habitual stories and her

Worn to the bone jokes

She moved on easily

Having established a life

Outside of me, I had no such

Life and a shocking lack of desire

To acquire one, I made a decision

To die rather than rebuild and I did for

A split second, the heart pills

Stole a beat but only one

Now whenever I close my eyes

Too long, I fall into a semi coma

Returning to the moment

Of death and I know she’s

Still inside of me

Cutting off the circulation


(This is about my best friend in hs its long because it lasted for years and consumed my whole life in that period, so you have to think of it as 5 years worth of life. Still I apologize for it being massive. I tried to kill myself with heart meds and when I sleep my heart rate drops as low as like 7 beats and my blood pressure plummets. When I am in the hospital if I shut my eyes they always storm in with crash carts. I thought I’d mention that b/c otherwise I doubt the end makes sense. I do know I was pathetic and suffocating this is not something I am proud of but it is the truth.)


Lost in Me

It’s hard to understand

The gravity of isolation

Until you’ve scaled the walls

And ventured outside of yourself

The world growing more fierce

With every absence and I

Less and less adept at surviving

Within the stringent perimeters

Of the status quo. More and more

Like the homeless, disheveled and prophetic


I’ve got that look or rather

That absence of any specific

Look, something akin to mute hysteria

The sensations being too vast

For me, this life too mercurial

It’s as if I drifted across the

Ocean in a makeshift raft, mid-storm


I’m always tumultuous

And on the verge of drowning

Water-lunged and struggling

I feel the waves 50 stories high

A wall of blistering submersion

I squeeze my eyes closed

Pinch my nose shut and press my lips

Into a firm unforgiving line

Waiting for the impact to tear me apart


(This is about my experience with Epilepsy and being outside. Sonisphere was kick ass btw. Slipknot fucking unbelievable!)