I am afraid of white rooms
The naked reflections
Of a soul stripped of artifice
The bloodless shadow of truth
Stark and shocking.
Swaddled by four defenseless walls
Like a newborn baby
Small and rendered helpless
In a cradle of suspicion
=
My clothes stowed
Out of sight
Vestiges of my fragile identity
Like old friends
Whose faces are forgotten
In prolonged absence
I wore my name on my wrist
Like a flimsy plastic heart
I keep it still, slit open
Haggard among my mementos
=
My hospital window
Hovered stories above the ground
My sightless view
Dipped beneath perception
Only another tier
In this fortress of stalled souls
Afraid of that sunken landscape
I kept the blinds closed
=
I tiptoed around my epileptic bed
Afraid to set it off
Laid stiffly while I watched
A mocking television
Vivid with mimicries of life
I resolved my tears to silence
Lonelier than I’ve ever been
I watched the seconds
Drowned by insatiable ticking
Impassable the time
Hoovered like a noose
=
The nurse’s flapped around
Like agitated birds
My unwashed scalp irritated
By their surgically precise pecks
A head full of wires
I looked like a cyborg
Half-human, plugged into the wall
The machines road
The jagged currents
Of my churning mind
The machines
Slowed movement
Shackled and tied
I carried my weighted head
Around like a ticking bomb
=
Lonely this room
That inquires and invades
These shady witnesses
Dissected stealthily
My movements
These unknown entities
That I prayed upon
For mercy
Kept me awake at night
With beeps and clicks
Like android soldiers
Sometimes voices
Drifted down from the ceiling
Like entoptic phenomena
Ghosting through vitreous humors
Eerie these disembodied words
=
The camera’s inescapable lens
Stole my intimate moments
Recorded them for white-smocked voyeurs
I shifted slowly, centimeters at a time
Hoped to become imperceptible
Became so uncomfortable in my exterior
I wanted to peel it away
Stuff the cavity with pillows
And keep it as a dummy
While my soul passed
Through walls unnoticed
=
My mind chased the nurses
By the sound of the food cart
I stuffed myself idly
Wasted time through consumption
I half-read books
Scribbled cryptic poems
That I scratched out
As soon as the graphite revealed them
I became paranoid
Sleep forbidden, I became angry too
Scared even the sound of my breath
I languished and fumed simultaneously
Crippled with boredom
I became depressed and self-injurious images
Wafted along with my frustrations
Voiceless my inner demons
Crouched in the dark, ready to pounce
=
(This is about my hospital stay earlier this year to monitor my seizures. I was there for a week hooked up to machines, monitored and filmed 24 hours, not allowed to sleep, and not allowed to shower. I had to constantly have my EEG reapplied because I have very thick hair which interfered with the sensors. I also couldn’t leave the room or move around much I was half-crazy by the end. I lost 5-6 lbs even though I ate everything plus extras they gave me and I am not overweight to start I assume it was muscle wasting. I hate to think what I’ll look like if I ever have to stay longer. I was really a nutcase I don’t do well without sleeping and I hate being observed especially since the nurses make snarky comments on what you say and do when they see you!)
mindlovemisery 