White Rooms

I am afraid of white rooms

The naked reflections

Of a soul stripped of artifice

The bloodless shadow of truth

Stark and shocking.

Swaddled by four defenseless walls

Like a newborn baby

Small and rendered helpless

In a cradle of suspicion


My clothes stowed

Out of sight

Vestiges of my fragile identity

Like old friends

Whose faces are forgotten

In prolonged absence

I wore my name on my wrist

Like a flimsy plastic heart

I keep it still, slit open

Haggard among my mementos


My hospital window

Hovered stories above the ground

My sightless view

Dipped beneath perception

Only another tier

In this fortress of stalled souls

Afraid of that sunken landscape

I kept the blinds closed


I tiptoed around my epileptic bed

Afraid to set it off

Laid stiffly while I watched

A mocking television

Vivid with mimicries of life

I resolved my tears to silence

Lonelier than I’ve ever been

I watched the seconds

Drowned by insatiable ticking

Impassable the time

Hoovered like a noose


The nurse’s flapped around

Like agitated birds

My unwashed scalp irritated

By their surgically precise pecks

A head full of wires

I looked like a cyborg

Half-human, plugged into the wall

The machines road

The jagged currents

Of my churning mind

The machines

Slowed movement

Shackled and tied

I carried my weighted head

Around like a ticking bomb


Lonely this room

That inquires and invades

These shady witnesses

Dissected stealthily

My movements

These unknown entities

That I prayed upon

For mercy

Kept me awake at night

With beeps and clicks

Like android soldiers

Sometimes voices

Drifted down from the ceiling

Like entoptic phenomena

Ghosting through vitreous humors

Eerie these disembodied words


The camera’s inescapable lens

Stole my intimate moments

Recorded them for white-smocked voyeurs

I shifted slowly, centimeters at a time

Hoped to become imperceptible

Became so uncomfortable in my exterior

I wanted to peel it away

Stuff the cavity with pillows

And keep it as a dummy

While my soul passed

Through walls unnoticed


My mind chased the nurses

By the sound of the food cart

I stuffed myself idly

Wasted time through consumption

I half-read books

Scribbled cryptic poems

That I scratched out

As soon as the graphite revealed them

I became paranoid

Sleep forbidden, I became angry too

Scared even the sound of my breath

I languished and fumed simultaneously

Crippled with boredom

I became depressed and self-injurious images

Wafted along with my frustrations

Voiceless my inner demons

Crouched in the dark, ready to pounce

(This is about my hospital stay earlier this year to monitor my seizures. I was there for a week hooked up to machines, monitored and filmed 24 hours, not allowed to sleep, and not allowed to shower. I had to constantly have my EEG reapplied because I have very thick hair which interfered with the sensors.  I also couldn’t leave the room or move around much I was half-crazy by the end. I lost 5-6 lbs even though I ate everything plus extras they gave me and I am not overweight to start I assume it was muscle wasting. I hate to think what I’ll look like if I ever have to stay longer. I was really a nutcase I don’t do well without sleeping and I hate being observed especially since the nurses make snarky comments on what you say and do when they see you!)


Day 8 Swimming

This isn’t so much much a memory of swimming as it is of drowning. Despite my love of water and persistence I forget how to swim every year. They say its like riding a bike, well I can’t ride a bike and I can indeed forget lol When I was about four my parents decided to take me to the beach and I was ecstatic because we were also going to visit a water park. The park was awesome I remember riding the slides with my mom and always when the mat would hit the pool I’d just sat there on top of the water like I was floating on a magic carpet. Unfortunately, I don’t always float though its about the only thing I can sort of do in regards to swimming. After the park we went to the beach and I was a typical ADD kind of kid not really afraid of much (I once tried to tight-rope walk the clothes line every one in the neighborhood was standing there in a panic as you can imagine), so when I saw the water I just rushed in. Immediately a huge wave came and sucked me into the undercurrent. I really do not remember much after that  but I know my dad rescued me, he is an extremely strong swimmer as was his dad (they can swim in any type of water). You may think I was scared after that but I wasn’t I went on to nearly drown two more times on separate occasions. In fact I had already had an experience with nearly drowning in a public pool. As a kid I just hated being afraid of anything so I was always pushing myself to conquer my fears and its really that spirit of courage that I remember fondly. Granted I was very reckless then but now that I am older and more afraid than ever, I like to remind myself that courage isn’t a lack of fear but the willingness to persevere despite it.


One of my earliest dreams (that I can recall) is about water and drowning as well, may be it was an omen :-P. I dreamnt my parents and I were going to the beach. The ride there was excruciatingly long. The scenery was completely lifeless and flat as if my mind just couldn’t be bothered to fill it in. The whole way there it rained and the closer to the beach we got the darker and more menacing the weather became. I started to dread the arrival but as it was my first time being at the beach I was determined, no matter what, to get in the water. When we arrived it was apparent there was a severe storm looming but I insisted on swimming. I ran out into the grey water with my favorite doll in hand (she was a small doll with a soft body and a porcelain face with ornate makeup very creepy no idea why I liked her lol) splashing and playing. I must have seen Jaws recently because out of the water a massive shark rose up with the waves mouth gaping wide. I dropped my doll into the sea and struggled my way through the waves half-swimming, half-running. I woke up right as I got out of the water and the shark was making one last pass. My doll which I’d went to bed with was gone. My parents searched for it but they were never able to find it. I actually tried to have the dream again so I could save her but I never did.  Very strangely last year when I went to my in-law’s summer house (In Sweden so nowhere near my childhood home) I saw they had a doll that looked identical to her! I have only seen her that once and not on returning, she seems to have vanished. That summer I had a seizure in a lake.



Like a bated snare

Stygian waters beguile

Amorphous prison

Walls, asphyxiate

Compress into grains of sand